He Doesn’t REALLY Want the Perfect Woman. He Wants These 3 Things from You Instead…

Guest post from the team of James Bauer the creator of His Secret Obsession

How much time do you spend trying to be the kind of woman you think men want? If you’re like most women, it’s a LOT. You spend all this time making yourself look sexy and attractive.

All this time presenting yourself as fun, interesting, worldly, and not needy in the slightest. You spend all this time showing him just how good you’d be for him… How amazing his future would be if he chose you as the woman by his side…

And it doesn’t work. It never works. WHY? Why do you work so hard… And the guy in your life just takes you for granted, if he even notices you at all? It’s probably because he’s immature, right? He can’t recognize a good thing until it’s gone. Or maybe… It’s because you’ve been doing all the work for him.

If He Doesn’t Work for Your Relationship, He Won’t Value It

Fact:

What men value most are those things they have to work hard to get.

Hand a man a college diploma, and he won’t value it as much as if he’d had to put in years of study and effort to earn it.

Hand a man the perfect girlfriend, and he won’t value her as much as if he’d had to woo her for weeks just to get her to go out with him. This is why playing hard to get works.

But, as you’ve probably already noticed…

There’s a BIG problem with playing hard to get. That strategy stops working once he’s actually got you.

Something happens when guys decide they’ve won you. It’s almost like they think, “Game over.” Their minds are already on their next challenge. What is going on?!

And how can you stop it from wrecking your relationship?

It’s Not Just You—ALL Women Experience This(That’s Why They Ask for Help)

Many women give up on love. They never let themselves get too close to a man, for fear of scaring him off. But other women try a different approach. They get help. Relationship coach James Bauer is one of the people they turn to.

He noticed that many clients were coming to him, complaining about guys who were blowing hot and cold. Everything would be going great, and then it was like…

Something would change overnight.

A guy who’d been warm, affectionate and interested would suddenly become distant. He’d no longer have any time for her. He wouldn’t smile in greeting. He’d stop making eye contact. His kisses were brusque.

Wanting to help his clients, James investigated.

And what he discovered made sense of everything. He knew why these men were backing away. He knew what they needed … and what they weren’t getting.

It didn’t come down to anything wrong with these women.
Rather, it all came down to something he called “The Hero Instinct.”

Most Women Do Something that Drives Men Away…Without Ever Realizing It

One of the most wonderful things about women is how naturally caring they are.

‘Look at you. You’re always there for your guy. You look after him. You always make time for him. You’d do anything for him.

You never realize that, in the process…

You’re actually taking something away from him. You’re taking away his purpose.

You see, he wants to be your hero. He doesn’t want you to be his hero.

Men love heroes. Look at how many grown men are still fascinated by Marvel comics and superhero movies.

Every man on Earth, from the time he was a boy, dreamed of growing up to be the kind of hero who would save the world—and get the girl at the same time.

Most men don’t get to indulge their world-saving side in their 9-5 jobs. Circumstances don’t call for them to rip off their corporate ties and spring into action, revealing their superman side. Maybe they can’t save the world. But they can still get the girl.

Getting the girl is a worthy challenge for an ordinary guy with the heart of a superhero. It takes superhuman confidence. Superhuman charm. Superhuman immunity to pain. Now, all he needs to find is…

A girl who needs a hero. Do You Need a Hero? Let me guess… That’s not you.

You’re strong. You’re independent. You can fix a leaky faucet. You can drive a stick shift. You can take care of yourself. You’re never going to make that Jerry Maguire mistake of looking for a man to complete you.
Instead, you have a lot to offer a man. You’re generous. Kind. Loving. Giving to a fault. All you want is to find a man who’s willing to receive all you have to give.

And that’s why heroes aren’t showing up in your life. That’s why you’ve ended up with so many takers instead. Guys who take everything you have and leave you high and dry. If you want a hero, then you need to advertise for one. Here’s how.

3 Ways You Can Invite a Hero into Your Life, Starting Today

1. Ask a guy for help.
Ask him for advice on buying a new computer. Ask him to listen to that weird rattling sound that’s started up in your car. Ask him to reach something on the top shelf. Then thank him warmly, with a great big smile of appreciation. No, that doesn’t make you needy. It makes you a woman with space for a man in her life.

2. Take pleasure in male company.
Guys love women who appreciate men for just being men. So what if his apartment is a shrine to sports? So what if he spends hours on his fantasy football team? So what if his idea of a clean shirt is the one with the fewest wrinkles? He’s a guy. It’s okay. You don’t need him to be more like you, because you’ve got the feminine side of the gender equation covered.

3. Let him earn your respect.
Superheroes love challenges. They don’t want to be given a gold medal just for showing up. They don’t want your love handed to them on a plate. They want to earn it. There’s one thing they crave even more than a woman’s eternal enduring love: A challenge. So give him opportunities to prove himself. You don’t have to do the work of winning him over. Sit back, relax, and allow him the pleasure of winning your admiration.

Keep Learning

If that sounds like fun to you, click here to watch a video presentation about this relationship enhancement tool. It’s something you can learn once, but then use for the rest of your life.

How To Save Your Marriage

This article was written by Dr Lee Baucom, the creator of Save The Marriage

Each year in America alone, nearly 1 million marriages end in divorce. This is an incredible number! That would be as if all the citizens of Houston Texas were divorced (each divorce leaves 2 people).

The question is how many of those marriages could be saved. Unfortunately, that is an invisible number. If your marriage stays together, it is hard to find in the statistics. As Marian Wright Edelman wrote, statistics are stories with the tears washed off.

Can your marriage be saved? If I could answer that, I would be a wealthy man. I can tell you that if your marriage is in trouble and you do nothing, the outcome is guaranteed. If you do something, there is a much better chance that your marriage will be saved.

And I can tell you, in four simple steps what you can do to save your marriage. You can start right now. But you must understand that I said “simple.” That is not the same as “easy.” These steps are not easy. They do, however, give you a path that you must follow if you want to change the destiny of a marriage in trouble.

Here are the 4 steps:

1) Quit the blame game

Stop blaming your spouse and stop blaming yourself. This is the first step because marriages get frozen into a pattern of blame that immobilizes any prospect of progress. Instead, the momentum gets dragged down and down.

Blame is our way of avoiding seeing ourselves clearly. It is much easier to point the finger somewhere and say “It’s their fault.” But in marriage, you can just as easily turn that pointing finger on yourself and place the blame there, saying “it’s all my fault.”

Unfortunately, blame feels good in the short-term, but in the long-term, it prevents any shift or change. So, even if you can make a long list of why you or your spouse should be blamed, forget it. Even if that list is factual, it will not help you put your marriage back together. Blame is the fuel of divorces.

2) Take responsibility.

Decide you can do something. Change always begins with one person who wants to see a change. Understand that taking responsibility is not the same as taking the blame (see above).

Instead, blame is saying “regardless of who is at fault, there are some things I can do differently, and I am going to do them.” What buttons do you allow your spouse to push? What buttons do you push with your spouse? Decide not to allow those buttons to be pushed and stop pushing the buttons.

What amazes me in my counseling is that everyone knows what they should be doing or not doing. But it is difficult to move in that direction. Don’t be caught in that. Decide that you will take action.

The difference between blame and responsibility is this: if I am in a burning building, I can stand around trying to figure out who started the blaze, why it has spread so quickly, and who I am going to sue when it is over (blame), or I can get myself and anyone else I can out of that building (taking responsibility). When a marriage is in trouble, the house is on fire. How will you take action to save the marriage?

3) Get resources from experts.

If others have been helped, you can be, too. Experts with a great deal more perspective and experience can be a real help in these situations. Do your research and divide the useless from the useful, then take advantage of the useful.

Don’t assume that your situation is so different from every other situation. I can tell you that after 20-some years of providing therapy, not too much new comes through my doors. Don’t get me wrong; the story changes, but the dynamics are the same.

Remember what Albert Einstein said, “The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them.” In other words, what got you into trouble will not get you out of trouble. That requires a whole new level of thinking. And that is what you get from an outside expert, someone with a fresh perspective.

4) Take action.

More damage is done by doing nothing by taking a misstep. It is too easy to get paralyzed by the situation. Therapists often talk about “analysis paralysis.” This occurs when people get so caught up in their churning thoughts and attempts to “figure things out” that they never take action.

It is not enough to simply understand what is causing the problem. You must then act! On a daily basis, I find people coming to my office with the belief that if they can just understand their problem, it will resolve itself. That simply does not happen. Resolution of the situation takes action.

Will your marriage be saved? If you follow my suggestions, you have infinitely more opportunity for saving your marriage than if you do nothing. Marriage is one of those places where it takes two to make it work, but only one to really mess things up. You can only do your part, but many times, that is enough. Resolve not to ask the question but to begin to act.

Are you ready to take action? Grab the best-selling resource on the internet for saving marriages: Save The Marriage, Even If Only You Want It! You can find it at Save The Marriage

Marriage Seminars or books cannot change your marriage

It’s been a while since we posted a rhyming here! As we all say from time to time – we’ve been busy!

I had a friend ask me about writing a book on marriage recently! That got me thinking. Should I write a book? Will a book help my friends, family and church family members? Will it help their friends? The answer is yes IF they are willing to change!

That is a big IF! You must be willing to change before any book or seminar can help you. You must be willing to say that you are wrong in some ways! That you have failed in some things. That you are ignorant about certain things before a book or seminar can help you!

Are you ready to change? Do you want to be happier in your life? Are you ready to keep working on your relationships even when you don’t see immediate results? If you answers yes to those questions, you are ready to change your marriage! Even is all you can do right now is have an open mind. Being ready to acknowledge your mistakes and shortcomings when you are confronted by them. You are in a good place!

Your choices and actions are what will change your marriage. Your humility and attitude will help a lot. The information you will read from this blog will help you make some decisions. If you make the right decisions and continue to make them, you will have a sweeter marriage and a more joyful life.

Weekly (at least once), I will share a few tips or answer some questions on relationships! I know this will help! I pray you take action on the tips as God gives you grace! I pray I also will receive grace to take action on my own stuff too!

A kiss, a hug or a clean heart?

How do you welcome your spouse home?

One day my boys got me thinking…. My best friend and darling husband came home and as usual they ran to greet him. ‘How come I don’t do this all the time’, I asked myself. I hardly ever welcome him home the way the boys do. I am usually in the middle of something when he gets home. I am a queen at running the home show and am always busy running the show… so whenever he got back, I usually don’t stop to give him huge welcome home like my little men. Dinner needs to be concluded. The boys on the other hand, super excited, drops everything to get his hug, sometimes which means getting out of bed to say welcome Daddy. Its really fun to see.

Back in the days, when my responsibilities at home were lighter, I would try to. However, even then, I was not so religious about it. After questioning myself on this very day, the first thought was “just do it, that’s what a good wife would do”, I promised myself to appreciate my dear husband with a huge kiss as he returns home at the end of each day. I noticed thereafter that some days I do and some other days I completely forget. Why? I believe its because I wasnt exposed to kisser parents. So I formed my ideals about this around what I was used to. Even though I still try to, I find myself naturally huge and kiss when we had not seen for a bit; usually at His return after a trip. When I did everyday, it appears to me like a movie. So many times, even though I am very happy to have my hubby back home, I have other ways of welcoming him with love.

The boys need time with their Dad and so I usually give them space for that. Knowing that after their bed time it will be for my sweetheart and I alone.

I however have a habit of checking my heart, just to make sure that there is nothing else standing in the way. I still wanted my motives to be clear to me. So I decided to always check my heart each time my hubby get home. And lo and behold I discovered that sometimes I was not as excited as the boys. At times mad at him for not getting home early enough, not remembering to pick up something from the store, not remembering to call the person he planned to…the list goes on. Other times I got frustrated due for a bad day and couldn’t wait for him to get back talk. Carried away with my issues sometimes, I forget to cheer him up. Thank God for those wonderful boys that God used to point to me to my heart.

God used my boys to point my attention to my heart. I asked God for help to continue to live with a light heart towards people close to me especially my best friend. And I thank God for His help daily. Neither of us are perfect. I made up my mint to daily check & clear my heart. And forgive any wrong.

Of course my human nature still continues to struggle to lead but I remind myself that I died to Christ. So whether I welcome him home with a kiss or not, I do with a clean heart. I am sincerely happy with him and excited to have him as my best friend. Whenever I find some ugly thing in my heart, I work on it. I deal with any wrong feeling as soon as I notice it, even before we get to discuss the issue. This helps me to joyfully towards my husband (whether home or not) and this has really helped our friendship. By God’s grace I am happy to say that our marriage is one in a million. Its a place where God dwells.

Today, I want to ask you ladies out there to ask God help as you determine in your heart to welcome your husband home with a lovely heart everyday. That whether you kiss him, hug him or quickly finish your chores as he walks in, you are doing so with a heart that truly respects and honors the man that God has given you as the head of your home and that you are sincerely grateful to God for this wonderful man.

Keep on enjoying Christ’s love.

Too Late To Fix?

Every day I meet with couples that are struggling in their relationship. They understood each other a while back but along the line, things happen that they stop trying to cultivate their relationships. The same love birds that could not do without each other prior to marriage get to a point that they cant even stand each other. What happened, is this really the end of this relationship? Is it too late to put in efforts to this relationship.

I know that each case is different and it might be ambiguous to say that its not too late, also considering a relationship with two people that are God fearing, you would think that God being the center of each life would help each person to see their wrong but usually this is not the case.

Hence, I really love to look at this a bit more critically. Why do people give up on their marriage?

Familiarity

The first point here is what is known as closeness. Two people get so close to each other that they stop working hard at loving each other. They take things for granted. ” He knows I love him, I don’t need to do anything special to let him know”. This is one of the biggest killers in Christian marriages.

Two new lovers will work hard at proving their love to each other before they tie the knot and they would really bring out the best in each other. He wants her happy all the times and she does the same. Lots of pleasant surprises and gifts are in such relationships at the beginning which gradually diminishes as time goes on.

If your relationship is gradually sleeping into the state of coma, I want to ask you a question. Why is this so? Life got in the way? Children? work? Extended family? sickness, fear? So many things could have been responsible. You need to figure out what came into your marriage, that might equip you to deal with the issue.

Bitterness

Another problem in relationships is the past hurts. Many people are not able to look pass and forgive the other or themselves for whatever happened in the past. They say they have forgiven themselves but they act as if they have not. And so because of the hurt that is deep down, they are not able to see present actions with clear lens.

The best way to deal with this is to thing about your spouse or look at them. What emotions do you feel on the inside? Do you feel sad, mad, angry, sick, scared, pain, weak? Take stock of what you have on the inside and surrender that to God. Let God guide you into forgiveness and dealing with the root of bitterness.

Impossibilities

In other cases, the one partner is doing something that needs to change. The one spouse complains so bad that but there is no results or changes. They seek help together but no results. Many people go into marriage with an assurance of being able to change their spouse. They might not say it like that but they have that as the foundation of their relationship. Many even give themselves the conditions that upon changing him or her we will be able to get married.

Many of this cases have been there before the marriage. An example is one that drinks casually before marriage and then becomes an addict after. Usually he didn’t plan to be this way but he has had this issue before in his past and stress of life brought him back to the state of being a drunk.

Wrong Foundation

Many relationships started with lies as the foundation. For a family to prosper, there must be full truth, whether by behavior or by what is said. When there is the case of lies, trust must be built over again. The spouse on the receiving end must help his or her spouse to be able to speak their minds. The reason people lie is fear. ” If I tell the truth, they will never love me”

The list goes on why people choose not to make any further attempt to fix their marriage. Some times this will become a temporary state of things and others more permanent in state. However, God is able to repair every broken pieces that you have. Your mess in God’s hands becomes a message that can turn many to you.

You can begin to trust in the Lord with all your life including your relationship. He will tell you what to do. Then begin to do them and trust God to transform lives including yours. First thing is that you will notice that Your heart is open to love your spouse again. As this happens, you begin to see him or her as the person you fell in love with. Or you will find this amazing love that melts your heart towards him/her.

I pray that your relationship will grow in the Lord. Keep looking out for ways to build each other up and how to help each other and not yourself.

God bless.

Just Pretend

I was in the kitchen cooking and my amazing boys were running around pretending to be super heroes. My 5 yrs old leading and my 2 yr old doing every single thing his brother does or says.

They were both pretending to be the famous Buzz Light Year from the Toy Story Series. They passed by every now and then reciting Buzz’s favorite phrase; “Buzz Light Year, to the rescue!” Every now and then they got my attention and all I needed to do was to simply smile or acknowledge them somehow.

Then my 5yr old dashed into the kitchen and said the phrase again but this time he added, ‘is there any emergency?’ I was still trying to decide what to say when he added: ‘Just pretend’ then I knew I just needed to play along.

I quickly made up an emergency situation: “my cat is stuck on the tree”. Oh that no problem, He said, climbing the imaginary tree, my little Hero rescued the cat, gave her back to me and saved the day. And of course the 3 of us had a celebratory shout. And they dashed back into the hallway for more emergency situations.

After they left I could not get the phrase”just pretend” off my mind. And then I know I needed to write this article.

We all learn to pretend from very early ages and we get abundant opportunities to do it hence, we do it so well. In fact, millions of people make fortunes pretending. The film industry is a multimillion dollar industry today because we are amused by looking at someone that has mastered the act of pretending. I cannot count the number of time I have cried watching a movie. As long as the acting is good and I am able to feel the story, I cry. Sometimes when watching a good movie alone, with no distraction, I might even wail. This happened to me while watching the Courageous movie for the first time-good movie.

However, as we watch other people pretending we tend to do the same. We try to show only what we think others will find interesting and cover the rest which most times is our true self. Can you count how many times you have pretended not to be sad, angry, anxious or sick?

For instance there are things you might not fully understand about God, but you just pretend to be knowledgeable, you will get by and even others will hail you for it. So many jokes you don’t understand, but if you just pretend you do, in order not to look stupid in public.

You will save yourself a heart break if you don’t pretend to be enjoying real love from the guy you are hanging out with, pretending to others that he is crazy about you though He maltreats you. Don’t stay in a relationship to impress others. Are you impressed?

Don’t pretend to care about nature just to get her to love you. Be yourself and you will be glad that if she falls in love with the ‘boring you’ she will never fall out of love later on. Pretending requires more of your time and energy. You need some to plan what to do and then another to do. But if you are real, you simply need to naturally be. Don’t waste your life thinking about. Don’t alter your personality to suit another person.

You will be surprised that the people you are trying to please are not so concerned about you but themselves. So why waste your God given personality and become another? You can be real and you can be you.

Before each action, especially when dealing with people, ask yourself this question: Why am I doing this? And then try to find the answer. You might not find it easy at first but it will change over time. After many attempts it will become part of your subconscious to not do things just to get other people to acknowledge you.

Don’t pretend, be sincere. Be real with your spouse, children, friends and family….Be real with yourself.

10 Tips on building good friendships – Part 2

In part one of this post, I listed 5 tips on building good friendships. In this concluding part of the article I will list another 5 tips.

6) Learn to forgive – People are not perfect. They will always do something that you will not understand and that has the potential of hurting you. If you are afraid of being hurt or disappointed, you will not make many friends and as such you will be reducing your potential for finding a husband. If on the other hand you already know that the people around you are fallible just like you are and that many times they are not out to hurt you, then it becomes easier to forgive them when they do hurt you. If you meet someone today and they do something that you don’t like or you don’t understand, do not run away from the friendship. Try to find out why they did what they did, see if there is a way you can be of help to the other person. Look for an opportunity to let them know how you felt and if they apologize, try to understand and forgive. Many of the people that hurt us at first go on to become our very good friends and helpers in the future. Remember “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover”.

7) Think good thoughts about people – It is a good practice to always think good thoughts about the people around you. Believe that they have good intentions and that they have great potentials. Remember that God made them and allowed them to be around you right now. Believe that they have something to contribute to your life. Look for something to complement them for – when you do this, you take your focus off their weaknesses and you send them a positive vibe. I have noticed that people can always sense that you have a positive opinion of them and they tend to want to live up to that. if you practice this, you will soon discover that many people like you. Even if you are the shy type, still find something to complement about everyone you meet and say it to them if you have the opportunity. Even if a friendship does not develop, you would have contributed to boosting the confidence of someone.

8 ) Proceed with wisdom – It is true that most people have good intentions and great potentials, however it is also true that there are a few people who do not have good intentions and because of their past experiences have become so hurt that they continue to harm those around them. That is why for this tip I encourage you to be wise when developing friendships. Make sure you meet with any new person that you don’t know in a public place. No matter how much help they seem to need, find someone to accompany you if there is any possibility of danger. When you are getting the attention of a man and you feel that the relationship is moving to fast, be honest with them and slow things down – you should always be in control of your relationships. Try not to let yourself get carried away with the euphoria of “love”. I suggest that as soon as you meet a new person who continues to communicate with you over a couple of days that you share some information about it with someone close to you (a sibling, small group leader at church, family member or trusted room are some examples). When you share the information about the friendship, it helps you to get some perspective and to protect your heart and your self if need be. The Holy Spirit (inner knowing) is usually the best guide in every situation.

9) Speak the other person’s language – Try to speak in terms of the other person. As you learn to practice the tip of listening, you will discover that you will be able to say what you need to say in a way that the other person can understand you better. For example if I mention the word “trunk” it could mean 3 different things to different people depending on how they have been preconditioned. It could mean the trunk of a tree, the trunk of an elephant or the trunk of a car. With this in mind, you realize that to build good friendship you must improve your communication skills by learning to speak in the other persons frame of reference. In other words help them find what’s in it for them.

10) Don’t forget GOD – Remember that God is the creator of the universe. He own every person and knows them more than you do. Ask God to help you in all your relationships. A simple prayer for the other person for blessing can open your heart to the possibilities of what God wants you to do for them. As you allow God to lead you in your relationships and as you treat each person with great honour, the Lord will lead you to your husband even when you are not actively searching.

In conclusion, I encourage every woman reading this to focus more on being an excellent friend than on finding a husband. Practice these tips and enjoy the blessing of being a good friend to others and I can assure you that before long, there will be men who will be willing to do whatever it takes to have you as a wife. Remember that being nice and kind in your room will not bring you a husband. Go out there and be a blessing to someone that God has put on your path. If you are shy, do it one at a time. For those who are more out going they will do it many at a time. As long as you are consciously maximizing every connection that God sends your way every week you are on the path to finding your husband.

10 Tips on building good friendships – Part 1

Finding a husband is important, but I have realized that those who are not really working hard to find a husband are the ones who find one while those who are focused on it keep getting disappointed. In my own opinion, the key to solving this problem is learning how to be a good friend. In my last post, I talked about the importance of having a pool of good friends and how to begin to make this friends. In this article I outline a few tips on building good friendships. One book that has been of help to me with respect to this topic is Dale Carnegie’s book titled: How to Win Friends and Influence People. I recommend this book for anyone who wants to learn how to make friends.

1) You have something to offer – To be a good friend, you need to realize that because you were created by God, you always have something to offer to the world around you. Do not let any limitations that you have hold you back from making friends. Everyone needs love and the love of God in you is valuable to everyone. As you understand and believe that everyone around you needs the love of God in you, your boldness to reach out to the people around you will increase.

2) Think of the other person – I find that many people are so focused on what the other person thinks about them, what others are saying about them, what others have more than them. If you are so focused on what other people are thinking you will find yourself limited. Rather, you should focus on what the other person needs. Remember that they always need love. They always need someone that cares about them without any ulterior motives. A good friend is always willing to be of help to the other without expecting any compensations. If you start from today to give out unconditional love to people around you, you will discover that you will start having more friends and you will start to enjoy loving people without the extra burden of expecting gratitude or reward. Needless to say, some of these men will start to want to have this lady all the time.

3) Listen more than you talk – I know many ladies like to talk and many men like to talk too. To truth is that while you are talking you are not really learning anything new. The best that you may be doing is reorganizing your thoughts and discovering your thoughts. It is true that there are people who think more clearly as they speak, they seem not to have a strong ability to process their thought properly in their minds. If you are such a person, this tip will be a little more difficult for you to practice. However, I will still encourage you to hold back the processing of your thoughts from time to time so that you can learn something new from others. Make it a habit to try to learn something new about someone or from someone every day. Listen to them talk about their hobbies, about their grandchildren, about their new car, about their religion, about their faith, family and any other interest. The more you listen, the more people begin to get interested in really listening to you. The more you listen, the easier for you to determine if they meet your 3 non-negotiable qualities of a potential husband. If they do not meet your non-negotiable qualities of a husband, then you know they can only be friends. I am not suggesting that you end your friendships or your attempt at being a blessing to others as soon as you know that they don’t meet your “criteria” for marriage. I am only saying that you may as well enjoy the friendship without burdening it with any further expectations.

4) Share some of your thoughts and feelings – I have a friend that I find a little bit difficult to connect with. Whenever I spend time with this particular friend, it feels very dry and mechanical. There is hardly any emotions involved. Don’t get me wrong – we share some jokes, we laugh, we ask the right questions but at the end, I really don’t feel any connection. And to tell the truth if I don’t have that meeting again I would not miss it very much. Over the years as our friendship has continued (i cannot say developed) I have always wondered what was the reason for this dry and mechanical relationship? I am still baffled by my friends lack of connection but I have a little more understanding of it now. I think the main reason for the lack of emotion is that my friend does not really share his feelings about stuff. He says the right things but not necessarily the things that come from the heart. You will hardly hear my friend say something like, I am glad to have you as a friend. Or before now I felt really confused about your calls but now I am happy to know that you are well. It seems that my friend really never thinks about others when they are not there. Why are we still friends? Because over the years I have come to realize that my friend is capable of emotions, he is just not used to being friendly in the way we are used to. If you are like my friend, start sharing a few thoughts and feelings with your friends. Start with the feelings that will not make you too vulnerable and gradually share some more as trust is built. When we don’t share some of our inner thoughts and feelings, the other person can easily sense our lack of trust and the friendship never really develops.

5) Be honest – To be honest does not mean that you say every thing that comes to your mind (this is a good way of destroying your frienship). What I mean by this tip is that you do not pretend to be someone other than yourself. If you hate wine, say so. If you love movies, say so. Don’t try to become what the other person likes. Rather discover who the other person is and present yourself to see if you are what they like. Be assured that there are thousands of people who like someone just like you. Be honest about your experience, your limitations, your strengths (you have some of these even if you don’t believe it), your expectations and everything that makes you who you are. You cannot buy love – So don’t try to make people like you. Keep trying to improve and trust that there are people who like you the way you are now and are willing to go with you on the journey towards change for the better.

This article is already long enough. I will present the other 5 tips in my next post. Try to practice some of these tips this week and leave me a comment or two. Please read the article titled; Be a good friend before thinking of finding a husband. I look forward to hearing testimonies and invitations to weddings.

Be a good friend before thinking of finding a husband

If you have made your list of 3 non-negotiable qualities that your potential husband must have, and you have decided not to fall into the vicious cycle of dating, then you must begin to learn how to be a good friend. It is not healthy to go around looking for a husband in every man that you meet. Most men are not interested in being hunted down, in fact most men enjoy the thrill of chasing a woman, wooing her and winning her love and her hand in marriage. If you are interested in finding your husband, you should leave the “husband” angle alone for now and concentrate on being a good friend.

Many entreat the favor of the nobility, And every man is a friend to one who gives gifts. (Pro 19:6 NKJ)

Now lets talk about making friends. To be a good friend you need to first meet people who can be your friends. Here is where you have to be wise. You should not choose and pick those whom you would be friendly to. I suggest that you be kind and friendly to every person that God brings across your path. See each person as a messenger of God to bless you. Believe in your heart that since God created them, no matter how much they have perverted the original product, God still loves them and God may have something for you in them. Do not misunderstand me. I am not saying that you should “date” everyone. I am saying smile at everyone that God brings across your path. Listen to them if they need you to. Assist them in anyway that you may be required to. If the friendship develops beyond the first meeting then so be it. If it doesn’t then just be grateful. To be a good friend, you must have the interest of the other person at heart. People are always attracted to those who have their best interest at heart even if the resist at first.

Where do you meet friends? There are many places a lady can meet men such as, bus rides, libraries, church meetings, special programs of other churches, school, work, grocery stores, volunteer activities, parties, while walking your dog, neighbours etc. It does not matter where you meet the person, what you must have in mind is that if God brought them across your path, you should leave a blessing with them. So when next you go to a church meeting, take the time to meet someone new (male or female) and be a blessing to them. Ask them how they are, find out how you can make their visit to church better. Look out for ways that you can be a blessing to someone on the bus. When standing in line at the store, be open for conversation. Say hi and smile to the person ahead of you or behind you. Never mind whether they are male or female. Just be a nice person looking to make someones day by being nice. Smile and treat the cashier with respect and dignity. I advise that you try going to the same grocery store as often as you can, go regularly to the same coffee shop so that you can begin to make some connections with those working there. The more you do this the more you increase your pool of potential friends. Once you start connecting with one or two more people (male) on a regular basis, your confidence will increase and you can have more friends. In many cases, your husband would most likely come from your pool of friends. Your church family is usually the best place to find a husband since you would be spending time regularly with the members and can get to know them without dating.

I find that many sisters go to church but are not involved in many of the church activities and as such they really do not make any friends at church. Others have a delusion that friends are friends and lovers are lovers. They do not know how to see a christian brother who is a friend as being a potential husband. If you really want to find a husband, I encourage you to be involved in the weekly activities at church, and consciously make friends. Take time to pray for the people that you are beginning to talk to after the service and try to find ways to bless them (I am not saying that you should pray for them to become your husband). Pray for them to grow in their walk with God and any other blessings that come to mind. As you genuinely go out of your way to be a blessing, the Lord will give you the desires of your heart. Give the gift of kindness to as many people as you can.

Action – Try to meet someone new at church this Sunday. When I say new I mean someone you may not have spoken to for more than one or two sentences. Find out their name and ask them how they enjoyed the sermon. Try to see if you can make them feel important and valuable by listen to them and being kind. And if you see them again during the week, continue the discussion from when you stopped.

In my next post I will talk more about friendship. I pray that you will find your husband soon. I would love to read your comments or questions.

Questions To Ask Each Other Before Marriage

Its midnight here now and I cant put these thought off my mind. This would help anyone in a premarital relationship.

Now that you found someone you like, you have the butterfly thing going, now what? People say its good to get to know each other before you start planning a wedding but how?

The following questions would guide your conversations. This is not meant to be done all-at-once and definitely not like an interview. But if you know the answer to most of these question you can say that you know the person to a large extent.

Your personal faith

Do you believe in God?
What kind of relationship do you have with God
Would you want me to help you understand God better? How?
What do you think God’s plan for your life is and how would I come in?
Are you committed to any religious organisation

Your background

How present was your boilogical father while you were growin up?
What kind of relationship did/ do you have with your bilogical Mom
Are there other persons (man/woman) that play these crucial roles in your life
How many siblings do you have, where are they and what do they do.
Do you have any important extended family member that is very important to you, why?
How did you grow up, did you have sleep overs, vacations, home school, field trips, camps…
Was God a part of your family while your were growing up

Education

What was your favourite high school subject and why
Are you done with formal education or not
What other educational process would you want to take on.

Career

Is the job you have now your desired job
if you had all the money you need to pay your bills for the next 3 yrs what would you be doing?
Are you a career oriented person
Do you think you will work till age 65
What brings meaning to your life?
How do you find the people you work with

Sexual

What do you know about sex
Would you love abstinence before marriage
How do you think we can achieve that
Have you ever hurt someone’s feelings emotionally
Did you settle the issue with them
Do you have children from past relationships, how often do you see your child

Financial

Do you have any major debt
How much do you make annually
Do you give to any charitable organization
What’s your ideal income level? Huge and enough to live a normal life

Some Final Extra Questions

How long do you think you will stay longer in the city you live in
Do you like travelling
Would you love to go on a mission trip, where

I will love to stop here to rest my eyes for the day. I will try to add to the list later.