He Doesn’t REALLY Want the Perfect Woman. He Wants These 3 Things from You Instead…

Guest post from the team of James Bauer the creator of His Secret Obsession

How much time do you spend trying to be the kind of woman you think men want? If you’re like most women, it’s a LOT. You spend all this time making yourself look sexy and attractive.

All this time presenting yourself as fun, interesting, worldly, and not needy in the slightest. You spend all this time showing him just how good you’d be for him… How amazing his future would be if he chose you as the woman by his side…

And it doesn’t work. It never works. WHY? Why do you work so hard… And the guy in your life just takes you for granted, if he even notices you at all? It’s probably because he’s immature, right? He can’t recognize a good thing until it’s gone. Or maybe… It’s because you’ve been doing all the work for him.

If He Doesn’t Work for Your Relationship, He Won’t Value It

Fact:

What men value most are those things they have to work hard to get.

Hand a man a college diploma, and he won’t value it as much as if he’d had to put in years of study and effort to earn it.

Hand a man the perfect girlfriend, and he won’t value her as much as if he’d had to woo her for weeks just to get her to go out with him. This is why playing hard to get works.

But, as you’ve probably already noticed…

There’s a BIG problem with playing hard to get. That strategy stops working once he’s actually got you.

Something happens when guys decide they’ve won you. It’s almost like they think, “Game over.” Their minds are already on their next challenge. What is going on?!

And how can you stop it from wrecking your relationship?

It’s Not Just You—ALL Women Experience This(That’s Why They Ask for Help)

Many women give up on love. They never let themselves get too close to a man, for fear of scaring him off. But other women try a different approach. They get help. Relationship coach James Bauer is one of the people they turn to.

He noticed that many clients were coming to him, complaining about guys who were blowing hot and cold. Everything would be going great, and then it was like…

Something would change overnight.

A guy who’d been warm, affectionate and interested would suddenly become distant. He’d no longer have any time for her. He wouldn’t smile in greeting. He’d stop making eye contact. His kisses were brusque.

Wanting to help his clients, James investigated.

And what he discovered made sense of everything. He knew why these men were backing away. He knew what they needed … and what they weren’t getting.

It didn’t come down to anything wrong with these women.
Rather, it all came down to something he called “The Hero Instinct.”

Most Women Do Something that Drives Men Away…Without Ever Realizing It

One of the most wonderful things about women is how naturally caring they are.

‘Look at you. You’re always there for your guy. You look after him. You always make time for him. You’d do anything for him.

You never realize that, in the process…

You’re actually taking something away from him. You’re taking away his purpose.

You see, he wants to be your hero. He doesn’t want you to be his hero.

Men love heroes. Look at how many grown men are still fascinated by Marvel comics and superhero movies.

Every man on Earth, from the time he was a boy, dreamed of growing up to be the kind of hero who would save the world—and get the girl at the same time.

Most men don’t get to indulge their world-saving side in their 9-5 jobs. Circumstances don’t call for them to rip off their corporate ties and spring into action, revealing their superman side. Maybe they can’t save the world. But they can still get the girl.

Getting the girl is a worthy challenge for an ordinary guy with the heart of a superhero. It takes superhuman confidence. Superhuman charm. Superhuman immunity to pain. Now, all he needs to find is…

A girl who needs a hero. Do You Need a Hero? Let me guess… That’s not you.

You’re strong. You’re independent. You can fix a leaky faucet. You can drive a stick shift. You can take care of yourself. You’re never going to make that Jerry Maguire mistake of looking for a man to complete you.
Instead, you have a lot to offer a man. You’re generous. Kind. Loving. Giving to a fault. All you want is to find a man who’s willing to receive all you have to give.

And that’s why heroes aren’t showing up in your life. That’s why you’ve ended up with so many takers instead. Guys who take everything you have and leave you high and dry. If you want a hero, then you need to advertise for one. Here’s how.

3 Ways You Can Invite a Hero into Your Life, Starting Today

1. Ask a guy for help.
Ask him for advice on buying a new computer. Ask him to listen to that weird rattling sound that’s started up in your car. Ask him to reach something on the top shelf. Then thank him warmly, with a great big smile of appreciation. No, that doesn’t make you needy. It makes you a woman with space for a man in her life.

2. Take pleasure in male company.
Guys love women who appreciate men for just being men. So what if his apartment is a shrine to sports? So what if he spends hours on his fantasy football team? So what if his idea of a clean shirt is the one with the fewest wrinkles? He’s a guy. It’s okay. You don’t need him to be more like you, because you’ve got the feminine side of the gender equation covered.

3. Let him earn your respect.
Superheroes love challenges. They don’t want to be given a gold medal just for showing up. They don’t want your love handed to them on a plate. They want to earn it. There’s one thing they crave even more than a woman’s eternal enduring love: A challenge. So give him opportunities to prove himself. You don’t have to do the work of winning him over. Sit back, relax, and allow him the pleasure of winning your admiration.

Keep Learning

If that sounds like fun to you, click here to watch a video presentation about this relationship enhancement tool. It’s something you can learn once, but then use for the rest of your life.

Too Late To Fix?

Every day I meet with couples that are struggling in their relationship. They understood each other a while back but along the line, things happen that they stop trying to cultivate their relationships. The same love birds that could not do without each other prior to marriage get to a point that they cant even stand each other. What happened, is this really the end of this relationship? Is it too late to put in efforts to this relationship.

I know that each case is different and it might be ambiguous to say that its not too late, also considering a relationship with two people that are God fearing, you would think that God being the center of each life would help each person to see their wrong but usually this is not the case.

Hence, I really love to look at this a bit more critically. Why do people give up on their marriage?

Familiarity

The first point here is what is known as closeness. Two people get so close to each other that they stop working hard at loving each other. They take things for granted. ” He knows I love him, I don’t need to do anything special to let him know”. This is one of the biggest killers in Christian marriages.

Two new lovers will work hard at proving their love to each other before they tie the knot and they would really bring out the best in each other. He wants her happy all the times and she does the same. Lots of pleasant surprises and gifts are in such relationships at the beginning which gradually diminishes as time goes on.

If your relationship is gradually sleeping into the state of coma, I want to ask you a question. Why is this so? Life got in the way? Children? work? Extended family? sickness, fear? So many things could have been responsible. You need to figure out what came into your marriage, that might equip you to deal with the issue.

Bitterness

Another problem in relationships is the past hurts. Many people are not able to look pass and forgive the other or themselves for whatever happened in the past. They say they have forgiven themselves but they act as if they have not. And so because of the hurt that is deep down, they are not able to see present actions with clear lens.

The best way to deal with this is to thing about your spouse or look at them. What emotions do you feel on the inside? Do you feel sad, mad, angry, sick, scared, pain, weak? Take stock of what you have on the inside and surrender that to God. Let God guide you into forgiveness and dealing with the root of bitterness.

Impossibilities

In other cases, the one partner is doing something that needs to change. The one spouse complains so bad that but there is no results or changes. They seek help together but no results. Many people go into marriage with an assurance of being able to change their spouse. They might not say it like that but they have that as the foundation of their relationship. Many even give themselves the conditions that upon changing him or her we will be able to get married.

Many of this cases have been there before the marriage. An example is one that drinks casually before marriage and then becomes an addict after. Usually he didn’t plan to be this way but he has had this issue before in his past and stress of life brought him back to the state of being a drunk.

Wrong Foundation

Many relationships started with lies as the foundation. For a family to prosper, there must be full truth, whether by behavior or by what is said. When there is the case of lies, trust must be built over again. The spouse on the receiving end must help his or her spouse to be able to speak their minds. The reason people lie is fear. ” If I tell the truth, they will never love me”

The list goes on why people choose not to make any further attempt to fix their marriage. Some times this will become a temporary state of things and others more permanent in state. However, God is able to repair every broken pieces that you have. Your mess in God’s hands becomes a message that can turn many to you.

You can begin to trust in the Lord with all your life including your relationship. He will tell you what to do. Then begin to do them and trust God to transform lives including yours. First thing is that you will notice that Your heart is open to love your spouse again. As this happens, you begin to see him or her as the person you fell in love with. Or you will find this amazing love that melts your heart towards him/her.

I pray that your relationship will grow in the Lord. Keep looking out for ways to build each other up and how to help each other and not yourself.

God bless.

Just Pretend

I was in the kitchen cooking and my amazing boys were running around pretending to be super heroes. My 5 yrs old leading and my 2 yr old doing every single thing his brother does or says.

They were both pretending to be the famous Buzz Light Year from the Toy Story Series. They passed by every now and then reciting Buzz’s favorite phrase; “Buzz Light Year, to the rescue!” Every now and then they got my attention and all I needed to do was to simply smile or acknowledge them somehow.

Then my 5yr old dashed into the kitchen and said the phrase again but this time he added, ‘is there any emergency?’ I was still trying to decide what to say when he added: ‘Just pretend’ then I knew I just needed to play along.

I quickly made up an emergency situation: “my cat is stuck on the tree”. Oh that no problem, He said, climbing the imaginary tree, my little Hero rescued the cat, gave her back to me and saved the day. And of course the 3 of us had a celebratory shout. And they dashed back into the hallway for more emergency situations.

After they left I could not get the phrase”just pretend” off my mind. And then I know I needed to write this article.

We all learn to pretend from very early ages and we get abundant opportunities to do it hence, we do it so well. In fact, millions of people make fortunes pretending. The film industry is a multimillion dollar industry today because we are amused by looking at someone that has mastered the act of pretending. I cannot count the number of time I have cried watching a movie. As long as the acting is good and I am able to feel the story, I cry. Sometimes when watching a good movie alone, with no distraction, I might even wail. This happened to me while watching the Courageous movie for the first time-good movie.

However, as we watch other people pretending we tend to do the same. We try to show only what we think others will find interesting and cover the rest which most times is our true self. Can you count how many times you have pretended not to be sad, angry, anxious or sick?

For instance there are things you might not fully understand about God, but you just pretend to be knowledgeable, you will get by and even others will hail you for it. So many jokes you don’t understand, but if you just pretend you do, in order not to look stupid in public.

You will save yourself a heart break if you don’t pretend to be enjoying real love from the guy you are hanging out with, pretending to others that he is crazy about you though He maltreats you. Don’t stay in a relationship to impress others. Are you impressed?

Don’t pretend to care about nature just to get her to love you. Be yourself and you will be glad that if she falls in love with the ‘boring you’ she will never fall out of love later on. Pretending requires more of your time and energy. You need some to plan what to do and then another to do. But if you are real, you simply need to naturally be. Don’t waste your life thinking about. Don’t alter your personality to suit another person.

You will be surprised that the people you are trying to please are not so concerned about you but themselves. So why waste your God given personality and become another? You can be real and you can be you.

Before each action, especially when dealing with people, ask yourself this question: Why am I doing this? And then try to find the answer. You might not find it easy at first but it will change over time. After many attempts it will become part of your subconscious to not do things just to get other people to acknowledge you.

Don’t pretend, be sincere. Be real with your spouse, children, friends and family….Be real with yourself.

10 Tips on building good friendships – Part 2

In part one of this post, I listed 5 tips on building good friendships. In this concluding part of the article I will list another 5 tips.

6) Learn to forgive – People are not perfect. They will always do something that you will not understand and that has the potential of hurting you. If you are afraid of being hurt or disappointed, you will not make many friends and as such you will be reducing your potential for finding a husband. If on the other hand you already know that the people around you are fallible just like you are and that many times they are not out to hurt you, then it becomes easier to forgive them when they do hurt you. If you meet someone today and they do something that you don’t like or you don’t understand, do not run away from the friendship. Try to find out why they did what they did, see if there is a way you can be of help to the other person. Look for an opportunity to let them know how you felt and if they apologize, try to understand and forgive. Many of the people that hurt us at first go on to become our very good friends and helpers in the future. Remember “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover”.

7) Think good thoughts about people – It is a good practice to always think good thoughts about the people around you. Believe that they have good intentions and that they have great potentials. Remember that God made them and allowed them to be around you right now. Believe that they have something to contribute to your life. Look for something to complement them for – when you do this, you take your focus off their weaknesses and you send them a positive vibe. I have noticed that people can always sense that you have a positive opinion of them and they tend to want to live up to that. if you practice this, you will soon discover that many people like you. Even if you are the shy type, still find something to complement about everyone you meet and say it to them if you have the opportunity. Even if a friendship does not develop, you would have contributed to boosting the confidence of someone.

8 ) Proceed with wisdom – It is true that most people have good intentions and great potentials, however it is also true that there are a few people who do not have good intentions and because of their past experiences have become so hurt that they continue to harm those around them. That is why for this tip I encourage you to be wise when developing friendships. Make sure you meet with any new person that you don’t know in a public place. No matter how much help they seem to need, find someone to accompany you if there is any possibility of danger. When you are getting the attention of a man and you feel that the relationship is moving to fast, be honest with them and slow things down – you should always be in control of your relationships. Try not to let yourself get carried away with the euphoria of “love”. I suggest that as soon as you meet a new person who continues to communicate with you over a couple of days that you share some information about it with someone close to you (a sibling, small group leader at church, family member or trusted room are some examples). When you share the information about the friendship, it helps you to get some perspective and to protect your heart and your self if need be. The Holy Spirit (inner knowing) is usually the best guide in every situation.

9) Speak the other person’s language – Try to speak in terms of the other person. As you learn to practice the tip of listening, you will discover that you will be able to say what you need to say in a way that the other person can understand you better. For example if I mention the word “trunk” it could mean 3 different things to different people depending on how they have been preconditioned. It could mean the trunk of a tree, the trunk of an elephant or the trunk of a car. With this in mind, you realize that to build good friendship you must improve your communication skills by learning to speak in the other persons frame of reference. In other words help them find what’s in it for them.

10) Don’t forget GOD – Remember that God is the creator of the universe. He own every person and knows them more than you do. Ask God to help you in all your relationships. A simple prayer for the other person for blessing can open your heart to the possibilities of what God wants you to do for them. As you allow God to lead you in your relationships and as you treat each person with great honour, the Lord will lead you to your husband even when you are not actively searching.

In conclusion, I encourage every woman reading this to focus more on being an excellent friend than on finding a husband. Practice these tips and enjoy the blessing of being a good friend to others and I can assure you that before long, there will be men who will be willing to do whatever it takes to have you as a wife. Remember that being nice and kind in your room will not bring you a husband. Go out there and be a blessing to someone that God has put on your path. If you are shy, do it one at a time. For those who are more out going they will do it many at a time. As long as you are consciously maximizing every connection that God sends your way every week you are on the path to finding your husband.

10 Tips on building good friendships – Part 1

Finding a husband is important, but I have realized that those who are not really working hard to find a husband are the ones who find one while those who are focused on it keep getting disappointed. In my own opinion, the key to solving this problem is learning how to be a good friend. In my last post, I talked about the importance of having a pool of good friends and how to begin to make this friends. In this article I outline a few tips on building good friendships. One book that has been of help to me with respect to this topic is Dale Carnegie’s book titled: How to Win Friends and Influence People. I recommend this book for anyone who wants to learn how to make friends.

1) You have something to offer – To be a good friend, you need to realize that because you were created by God, you always have something to offer to the world around you. Do not let any limitations that you have hold you back from making friends. Everyone needs love and the love of God in you is valuable to everyone. As you understand and believe that everyone around you needs the love of God in you, your boldness to reach out to the people around you will increase.

2) Think of the other person – I find that many people are so focused on what the other person thinks about them, what others are saying about them, what others have more than them. If you are so focused on what other people are thinking you will find yourself limited. Rather, you should focus on what the other person needs. Remember that they always need love. They always need someone that cares about them without any ulterior motives. A good friend is always willing to be of help to the other without expecting any compensations. If you start from today to give out unconditional love to people around you, you will discover that you will start having more friends and you will start to enjoy loving people without the extra burden of expecting gratitude or reward. Needless to say, some of these men will start to want to have this lady all the time.

3) Listen more than you talk – I know many ladies like to talk and many men like to talk too. To truth is that while you are talking you are not really learning anything new. The best that you may be doing is reorganizing your thoughts and discovering your thoughts. It is true that there are people who think more clearly as they speak, they seem not to have a strong ability to process their thought properly in their minds. If you are such a person, this tip will be a little more difficult for you to practice. However, I will still encourage you to hold back the processing of your thoughts from time to time so that you can learn something new from others. Make it a habit to try to learn something new about someone or from someone every day. Listen to them talk about their hobbies, about their grandchildren, about their new car, about their religion, about their faith, family and any other interest. The more you listen, the more people begin to get interested in really listening to you. The more you listen, the easier for you to determine if they meet your 3 non-negotiable qualities of a potential husband. If they do not meet your non-negotiable qualities of a husband, then you know they can only be friends. I am not suggesting that you end your friendships or your attempt at being a blessing to others as soon as you know that they don’t meet your “criteria” for marriage. I am only saying that you may as well enjoy the friendship without burdening it with any further expectations.

4) Share some of your thoughts and feelings – I have a friend that I find a little bit difficult to connect with. Whenever I spend time with this particular friend, it feels very dry and mechanical. There is hardly any emotions involved. Don’t get me wrong – we share some jokes, we laugh, we ask the right questions but at the end, I really don’t feel any connection. And to tell the truth if I don’t have that meeting again I would not miss it very much. Over the years as our friendship has continued (i cannot say developed) I have always wondered what was the reason for this dry and mechanical relationship? I am still baffled by my friends lack of connection but I have a little more understanding of it now. I think the main reason for the lack of emotion is that my friend does not really share his feelings about stuff. He says the right things but not necessarily the things that come from the heart. You will hardly hear my friend say something like, I am glad to have you as a friend. Or before now I felt really confused about your calls but now I am happy to know that you are well. It seems that my friend really never thinks about others when they are not there. Why are we still friends? Because over the years I have come to realize that my friend is capable of emotions, he is just not used to being friendly in the way we are used to. If you are like my friend, start sharing a few thoughts and feelings with your friends. Start with the feelings that will not make you too vulnerable and gradually share some more as trust is built. When we don’t share some of our inner thoughts and feelings, the other person can easily sense our lack of trust and the friendship never really develops.

5) Be honest – To be honest does not mean that you say every thing that comes to your mind (this is a good way of destroying your frienship). What I mean by this tip is that you do not pretend to be someone other than yourself. If you hate wine, say so. If you love movies, say so. Don’t try to become what the other person likes. Rather discover who the other person is and present yourself to see if you are what they like. Be assured that there are thousands of people who like someone just like you. Be honest about your experience, your limitations, your strengths (you have some of these even if you don’t believe it), your expectations and everything that makes you who you are. You cannot buy love – So don’t try to make people like you. Keep trying to improve and trust that there are people who like you the way you are now and are willing to go with you on the journey towards change for the better.

This article is already long enough. I will present the other 5 tips in my next post. Try to practice some of these tips this week and leave me a comment or two. Please read the article titled; Be a good friend before thinking of finding a husband. I look forward to hearing testimonies and invitations to weddings.

Be a good friend before thinking of finding a husband

If you have made your list of 3 non-negotiable qualities that your potential husband must have, and you have decided not to fall into the vicious cycle of dating, then you must begin to learn how to be a good friend. It is not healthy to go around looking for a husband in every man that you meet. Most men are not interested in being hunted down, in fact most men enjoy the thrill of chasing a woman, wooing her and winning her love and her hand in marriage. If you are interested in finding your husband, you should leave the “husband” angle alone for now and concentrate on being a good friend.

Many entreat the favor of the nobility, And every man is a friend to one who gives gifts. (Pro 19:6 NKJ)

Now lets talk about making friends. To be a good friend you need to first meet people who can be your friends. Here is where you have to be wise. You should not choose and pick those whom you would be friendly to. I suggest that you be kind and friendly to every person that God brings across your path. See each person as a messenger of God to bless you. Believe in your heart that since God created them, no matter how much they have perverted the original product, God still loves them and God may have something for you in them. Do not misunderstand me. I am not saying that you should “date” everyone. I am saying smile at everyone that God brings across your path. Listen to them if they need you to. Assist them in anyway that you may be required to. If the friendship develops beyond the first meeting then so be it. If it doesn’t then just be grateful. To be a good friend, you must have the interest of the other person at heart. People are always attracted to those who have their best interest at heart even if the resist at first.

Where do you meet friends? There are many places a lady can meet men such as, bus rides, libraries, church meetings, special programs of other churches, school, work, grocery stores, volunteer activities, parties, while walking your dog, neighbours etc. It does not matter where you meet the person, what you must have in mind is that if God brought them across your path, you should leave a blessing with them. So when next you go to a church meeting, take the time to meet someone new (male or female) and be a blessing to them. Ask them how they are, find out how you can make their visit to church better. Look out for ways that you can be a blessing to someone on the bus. When standing in line at the store, be open for conversation. Say hi and smile to the person ahead of you or behind you. Never mind whether they are male or female. Just be a nice person looking to make someones day by being nice. Smile and treat the cashier with respect and dignity. I advise that you try going to the same grocery store as often as you can, go regularly to the same coffee shop so that you can begin to make some connections with those working there. The more you do this the more you increase your pool of potential friends. Once you start connecting with one or two more people (male) on a regular basis, your confidence will increase and you can have more friends. In many cases, your husband would most likely come from your pool of friends. Your church family is usually the best place to find a husband since you would be spending time regularly with the members and can get to know them without dating.

I find that many sisters go to church but are not involved in many of the church activities and as such they really do not make any friends at church. Others have a delusion that friends are friends and lovers are lovers. They do not know how to see a christian brother who is a friend as being a potential husband. If you really want to find a husband, I encourage you to be involved in the weekly activities at church, and consciously make friends. Take time to pray for the people that you are beginning to talk to after the service and try to find ways to bless them (I am not saying that you should pray for them to become your husband). Pray for them to grow in their walk with God and any other blessings that come to mind. As you genuinely go out of your way to be a blessing, the Lord will give you the desires of your heart. Give the gift of kindness to as many people as you can.

Action – Try to meet someone new at church this Sunday. When I say new I mean someone you may not have spoken to for more than one or two sentences. Find out their name and ask them how they enjoyed the sermon. Try to see if you can make them feel important and valuable by listen to them and being kind. And if you see them again during the week, continue the discussion from when you stopped.

In my next post I will talk more about friendship. I pray that you will find your husband soon. I would love to read your comments or questions.

Questions To Ask Each Other Before Marriage

Its midnight here now and I cant put these thought off my mind. This would help anyone in a premarital relationship.

Now that you found someone you like, you have the butterfly thing going, now what? People say its good to get to know each other before you start planning a wedding but how?

The following questions would guide your conversations. This is not meant to be done all-at-once and definitely not like an interview. But if you know the answer to most of these question you can say that you know the person to a large extent.

Your personal faith

Do you believe in God?
What kind of relationship do you have with God
Would you want me to help you understand God better? How?
What do you think God’s plan for your life is and how would I come in?
Are you committed to any religious organisation

Your background

How present was your boilogical father while you were growin up?
What kind of relationship did/ do you have with your bilogical Mom
Are there other persons (man/woman) that play these crucial roles in your life
How many siblings do you have, where are they and what do they do.
Do you have any important extended family member that is very important to you, why?
How did you grow up, did you have sleep overs, vacations, home school, field trips, camps…
Was God a part of your family while your were growing up

Education

What was your favourite high school subject and why
Are you done with formal education or not
What other educational process would you want to take on.

Career

Is the job you have now your desired job
if you had all the money you need to pay your bills for the next 3 yrs what would you be doing?
Are you a career oriented person
Do you think you will work till age 65
What brings meaning to your life?
How do you find the people you work with

Sexual

What do you know about sex
Would you love abstinence before marriage
How do you think we can achieve that
Have you ever hurt someone’s feelings emotionally
Did you settle the issue with them
Do you have children from past relationships, how often do you see your child

Financial

Do you have any major debt
How much do you make annually
Do you give to any charitable organization
What’s your ideal income level? Huge and enough to live a normal life

Some Final Extra Questions

How long do you think you will stay longer in the city you live in
Do you like travelling
Would you love to go on a mission trip, where

I will love to stop here to rest my eyes for the day. I will try to add to the list later.

5 reasons why sex before marriage is dangerous

This question came up again recently. Here are some thoughts I presented a fews years back. I believe that the points presented in this blog are are still relevant.

Many people have asked me why sex before marriage is such a big problem? They say something like this: “If two people love each other, why should they wait until they are married before having sex?”. The question looks reasonable at first, however when you think about it, you realize that what is happening to us today, is that people are generally not willing to pay for what they want. People want to be rich without working, they want to be famous without hard work, they want to get everything free. However, the truth is that Nothing is Free. The fact that you did not pay for it does not mean that it was not paid for. You may get it free, but someone paid the price. Now what I think people are asking is this. Why do I have to be committed to a relationship before I get all the benefits of commitment? When you look at it like that, you see why sex before marriage is dangerous. It’s like selling your house with the hope that you will sign the contracts at a later date. Here are 5 reasons why this is a dangerous idea. I believe that everything that God calls a sin is called a sin because it is destructive to us and to the general well-being of the created universe. So in this article I am presenting the reasons why sex before marriage is dangerous and hence sinful.

It is not the will of God for us: There is no explicit statement in the Bible that you must not have sex before you get married. However there are several scriptures that draw our attention to the fact that it is not the will of God. Read Exodus 22:16 -17; Deut 22:13 – 21; 1 Cor. 6:16-18; 1Cor. 7:1-2, 8-9;Heb 13:4; 1 Tim 5:2. The ideal that God has in mind for us is to be virgins before we get married. In fact when you read the Bible, you will get a sense that sexual intercourse is like the seal or the final stage in the process of getting married. So to have sex with someone that you are not married to is going outside the will of God for your life. It is sexual immorality and it is a sin.
It can easily become the reason for your relationship: Sex, was not created to be worshiped. It is not the goal of any relationship. The relationship itself is far more important than the sex. God’s glory is supposed to be the reason and foundation of any relationship. However, when 2 people meet and all they can think about is when they can get into bed, there is a problem with that relationship. You will notice that, everything is such a relationship will be designed to make eventually lead up to sex. This kind of relationship is what I call an inverted relationship doomed for failure. When you are in this relationship you say what you need to say, and do what you need to do so that you can progress along the path towards sexual intimacy. Eventually, issues that need to be addressed are not addressed and the relationship breaks down.
It leads to Adultery or sexual infidelity: Sex is supposed to be the most intimate activity that any two individuals can engage in. It is supposed to be reserved for that one person with whom one intends to spend the rest of their lives. The rebellious nature of humanity and the constant desire of the forces of darkness to frustrate us and cause us pain has deceived us to make this sacred activity into a frivolous activity. When sex is taken for granted like this, you discover that even when people are committed to one another, they go ahead to cheat on their spouses. Many homes are broken and children are suffering because of unfaithful husbands and wives. Many relationships end as soon as the couple have sex for a couple times, because one of them is bored and wants to try other people. This is such a sad situation. It is sad because many of the young people today were brought up in home where sexual immorality has destroyed the homes and they are prone to making the same mistakes.
It delays the benefits of total surrender and commitment to one’s spouse: When a couple has been sexually active during their relationship before getting married, they are usually not so keen on getting married. They keep postponing and procrastinating, because they are not able to think clearly anymore, or they have begun to see things that they don’t like but are afraid to be honest with each other. Nobody wants to be called a player. Or blamed for leaving a relationship soon after sex entered into the picture. So the spouse that is open to more commitment suffers for a while hoping that the relationship will work, while the one who wants to leave the relationship enjoys free sex and even gets paid to have free sex, because the partner that want the relationship to work will be working hard to impress the other partner. Why not just do things the right way. Make sure that both parties are committed, spend time together, meet with friends and if things are still going very well for at least one year of serious commitment, then go ahead get married and seal it with sex on the wedding night. As I wrote earlier, sex is simply a very intimate way of communicating. You need to have something to say before you communicate. Sex says – “I love you with all my heart, I am happy I am one with you, let me be in you and you in me forever”. Now I think this kind of communication is only appropriate between a husband and a wife.
It reduces the level of trust between the couple: It is a blessing for a couple to discover that both of them are virgins on their wedding night. It was the norm a couples of centuries back, but now it a such a rare thing. I wish we can have more of this, because I believe it would be a blessing to this world if people learn to follow the will of God for their lives in this regard and in all regards. When you know that your spouse was a virgin until marriage and that you were unable to convince each other to try it out before the wedding, it helps both of you to trust each other. I do not intend to say that people who are virgin on their wedding day do not cheat on their spouses, I am simply saying that it boosts your trust in each other as opposed to having sex before the marriage.

There are many other points that can be derived from these initial points, and I encourage you to think about them. If you have been involved in pre-marital sex, are you still with the man you had sex with? If you have chosen to live your life to glorify God, why not go all the way and enjoy the blessings that God has prepared for you within a Christian Marriage. No one can force you to wait until your wedding day. And so also no one can give you the joy and blessings that are lost when you choose to follow your own ideas rather than God’s Ideal. Even if you are not a virgin, you can still enjoy the blessings of God. Our God is merciful, he forgives because of the blood of Jesus. Simply ask for God’s forgiveness and choose not to continue in your folly. You will soon start to enjoy the respect and love that you deserve as a child of God. I have never met anyone that said that the regretted waiting until marriage to have sex. There are many people who wish they have waited because they have been with so many people and have been sexually active only for the relationship to break.

It may not be easy but God can help you: I have heard many men say that there are no virgins above the age of 18yrs. That is not true; there are very many people who are virgins (never had sexual intercourse) and many who are not virgins but since they received forgiveness of sins through Christ Jesus, they have remained sexually inactive (virgins in Christ). It is not by self effort that you will do it especially if you have been sexually active before now, it is simply by trusting in the grace and power of God to do it in you. Do not be worried, just believe in God. I will love to answer your questions, please let us know them or simply leave us a comment.

Say No To Dating! Yes to friendship and courtship

Should a christian be dating? First let us define dating! Basically there are many different schools of thought on the meaning of dating. Formally it means to go out socially. A date is supposed to be a social outing that helps two people get to know each other better, it is meant to be a social outing where two people can get to talk and find out some basic information about each other. Over the years it has gradually become more and more difficult to define because over time, people going out for these social outings have used it as opportunities to express sexual attraction and in many cases, the first date ends in a kiss, “making-out”, and many times different levels of sexual exposures. I believe as the lines of definition of what a date meant became blured over the years, more and more people have become confused about dating and now it does more harm than good.

My Definition of Dating

A man and woman are said to be dating when they call themselves boyfriend and girlfriend; or when they act like a couple although they do not officially call themselves a couple; when they spend more than 50% of their free time together doing things together (not in a group) without a clear definition of their relationship. It is this definition of dating that I want everyone to say no to. Any type of social outing in which a kiss is expected to be given at the end is not what Christian Marriage is about. I would advice anyone who is interested in finding a spouse in the Kingdom of God to run from such an idea.

5 reasons why you should consider saying no to dating

1) Dating blinds your eyes to other potential partners while you are dating – Since the two individuals begin to act as a couple from the first date, they inadvertently shut the door to the possibilities of meeting other potential partners. I would suggest that singles should be more involved in quality friendships and only move the relationship to the next level when at least one of them is convinced that they are willing take this to marriage.

2) Dating clouds your ability to hear the voice of God (or your inner witness) – As Chrisitians we believe that God speaks to us and guides us in our daily living. Once you begin a relationship by becoming emotionally attached and physically involved, it becomes quite difficult to be open to whatever God will say with regards to the one you are attached to. We would tend to try to get God to approve of our choice rather than letting God guide our choice.

3) It may lead easily to sex before marriage – Once you begin to see a person as that special one, and you start being physically and emotionally attached the pressure to show a little more affection increases. If you are not yet interested in marriage and you are being pressured to show affection, you will soon move from holding hands to things that you never planned to do. There are people who say, we did not have a kiss on the first date and we will keep it like that until we decide what next we are doing, only to find themselves making out and even having sex and destroying a relationship that may have blossomed gradually into a beautiful friendship or marriage.

4) It leads to more heartbreaks – By the time an average boy or girl is married he or she has been heart broken a good number of times. Though we may think that these heartbreaks are not so bad, they do influence the way we think and how we approach love. A person who has broken up with someone about 5 – 10 times will tend to think that everyone is selfish or self centered and that he should protect himself. On the other hand, if a boy chooses not to date but have quality friends, he would simply not take the relationship to the next level and avoid the heartbreak and the subsequent negative outlook on love and relationships in general.

5) It makes the marriage weak – Since the two decided to marry each other based on the fact that they had spent a long time together and they felt like they knew each other, they find it really difficult to work on the marriage when either they find another person who they are attracted to or they are just going through some difficulties in their marriage. On the other hand, if you take the time to make friends, you get to know how different people are and you are able to make a choice based on inner conviction and wisdom rather than an emotional rush which quickly fades away when one person fails or there is a very difficult situation like sickness.

My Recommendations

1) Make more friends of the opposite gender, be genuinely interested in people; I find that everyone is blessed with one gift or the other. Don’t group people into “marryabbe” or “not-marryable”. Just be a blessing to anyone that is open to being blessed. If they become rude and continue to ask for a date when you know (from inner conviction) that you are not interested in pursuing that route, be firm and reduce your communication to pass across the message but continue to be kindly disposed to them in your heart. God has a way of taking care of those who abandon their own interest to take care of others. That being said, you should still take care of yourself, develop your walk with God, your career and let God find you a spouse that will suit His plans for you.

2) Learn to love who you are and be honest about who you are – Try not to be tempted to try to impress people by changing facts about yourself to conform to what you think or they say they want. It is better to loose the friendship now than much later when they find out who you truly are. There are many people out there who are looking for someone just like you.

3) When you find someone you are attracted to, try to become their friends – you want to be sure that they are who they truly appear to be before you let your emotions run.

4) Only go exclusive with a person when you are mostly convinced that you would want it to go towards marriage. Pray much and consider getting counsel from people who know you and you trust before even letting your emotions go all the way.

Conclusions – Although these suggestions may look dated and difficult to follow, I would like to encourage you that you will save yourself a good deal of pain by following these Biblical principles.

Ask Jesus into your Marriage – A wedding sermon

On the third day there was a wedding in Cana of Galilee, and the mother of Jesus was there. Now both Jesus and His disciples were invited to the wedding. ³And when they ran out of wine, the mother of Jesus said to Him, “They have no wine.”Jesus said to her, “Woman, what does your concern have to do with Me? My hour has not yet come.”His mother said to the servants, “Whatever He says to you, do it.”Now there were set there six waterpots of stone, according to the manner of purification of the Jews, containing twenty or thirty gallons apiece. Jesus said to them, “Fill the waterpots with water.”And they filled them up to the brim. And He said to them, “Draw some out now, and take it to the master of the feast.” And they took it. When the master of the feast had tasted the water that was made wine, and did not know where it came from (but the servants who had drawn the water knew), the master of the feast called the bridegroom. And he said to him, “Every man at the beginning sets out the good wine, and when the guests have well drunk, then the inferior. You have kept the good wine until now!” (John 2: 1-10)

The story about this wedding in Cana is always a blessing to me. I always wonder what would have hapened if the couple had decided to leave Jesus and his disciples out of their guest list. What would they have done when they ran out of wine? You know running out of wine at the wedding could also be symbolic of running out of wine in the marriage itself. Anyone who has been married knows that wine can run out of any marriage – you suddenly discover that you really do not want him to come near you right now, the laughter seems to have dissappeared, no more dates, flowers are no where to be found, the joy seemed to have just run out… just like wine at the wedding, although we realise that wine has run out suddenly, it really does not happen suddenly. The wine runs out gradually because it is not being replaced, it happens because we have assumed that we have enough – that there is no need to worry about replacement. The message today however is that regardless of how it happend, this couple had been wise enough or fortunate enough to invite Jesus to their wedding. I encourage you today to invite Jesus into your marriage.

Inviting Jesus is not enough

If you have invited Jesus into your marriage, I salute your wisdom; however I must remind you that inviting Jesus is not enough. You must go to the next level. Whenever there is a problem you need to bring that problem to Jesus. It’s so easy to start your marriage in church and to invite Jesus at the beginning of the marriage but then when the wine runs out we attack each other rather than going to Jesus. We forget that He is able to turn water to wine. Brother and Sister, when that day comes when you dont know what to do – before you cry, before you complain remember to ask Jesus.

Asking Jesus is not enough

Many times we do go beyond inviting Jesus. Some of us actually go on to ask for help, but there is something about Jesus that scares us. His instructions are usually different. I would like to highlight 4 characteristics about the instructions that Jesus gives:

They are usually quite simple and doable – How hard can it be to put water into the waterpots? And in your relationship, how hard can it be to say the word sorry? How hard can it be to show respect to your spouse. To do the dishes this night without asking your spouse?
They may not look reasonable, fashionable or comfortable – Yes although they may be easy to do in terms of the actual action, but many times we are unwilling to do them because of the emotional issues we would have to deal with in other to carry out Christs instructions.
They usually look unconnected to the immediate issue
However they always bring miraculous results if followed. This is the reason why we must be careful to make sure that whatever He tells us to do we do it.

Today my charge to you and to all those who are here today is the charge that Mary the mother of Jesus gave to those people at the wedding. I can only imagine what would have happen if no one gave them this very crucial tip. I guess they would have ignored the instructions like many of us have done in the past. Today dear friends, listen to what Mary the mother of Jesus says. Whatever he tells you to do, do it.

If Jesus tells you to take your spouse out for dinner, please do it. If you need to be quite about a situation that you think you have to speak about, please be quite. Follow the instructions of Christ that He drops in your heart rather than what your emotional reactions wants to do. Your marriage will be strong and robust if you are able to do what Jesus tells you to do. May the blessing of the Lord multiply upon your marriage.