Month: July 2012

In part one of this post, I listed 5 tips on building good friendships. In this concluding part of the article I will list another 5 tips.

6) Learn to forgive – People are not perfect. They will always do something that you will not understand and that has the potential of hurting you. If you are afraid of being hurt or disappointed, you will not make many friends and as such you will be reducing your potential for finding a husband. If on the other hand you already know that the people around you are fallible just like you are and that many times they are not out to hurt you, then it becomes easier to forgive them when they do hurt you. If you meet someone today and they do something that you don’t like or you don’t understand, do not run away from the friendship. Try to find out why they did what they did, see if there is a way you can be of help to the other person. Look for an opportunity to let them know how you felt and if they apologize, try to understand and forgive. Many of the people that hurt us at first go on to become our very good friends and helpers in the future. Remember “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover”.

7) Think good thoughts about people – It is a good practice to always think good thoughts about the people around you. Believe that they have good intentions and that they have great potentials. Remember that God made them and allowed them to be around you right now. Believe that they have something to contribute to your life. Look for something to complement them for – when you do this, you take your focus off their weaknesses and you send them a positive vibe. I have noticed that people can always sense that you have a positive opinion of them and they tend to want to live up to that. if you practice this, you will soon discover that many people like you. Even if you are the shy type, still find something to complement about everyone you meet and say it to them if you have the opportunity. Even if a friendship does not develop, you would have contributed to boosting the confidence of someone.

8 ) Proceed with wisdom – It is true that most people have good intentions and great potentials, however it is also true that there are a few people who do not have good intentions and because of their past experiences have become so hurt that they continue to harm those around them. That is why for this tip I encourage you to be wise when developing friendships. Make sure you meet with any new person that you don’t know in a public place. No matter how much help they seem to need, find someone to accompany you if there is any possibility of danger. When you are getting the attention of a man and you feel that the relationship is moving to fast, be honest with them and slow things down – you should always be in control of your relationships. Try not to let yourself get carried away with the euphoria of “love”. I suggest that as soon as you meet a new person who continues to communicate with you over a couple of days that you share some information about it with someone close to you (a sibling, small group leader at church, family member or trusted room are some examples). When you share the information about the friendship, it helps you to get some perspective and to protect your heart and your self if need be. The Holy Spirit (inner knowing) is usually the best guide in every situation.

9) Speak the other person’s language – Try to speak in terms of the other person. As you learn to practice the tip of listening, you will discover that you will be able to say what you need to say in a way that the other person can understand you better. For example if I mention the word “trunk” it could mean 3 different things to different people depending on how they have been preconditioned. It could mean the trunk of a tree, the trunk of an elephant or the trunk of a car. With this in mind, you realize that to build good friendship you must improve your communication skills by learning to speak in the other persons frame of reference. In other words help them find what’s in it for them.

10) Don’t forget GOD – Remember that God is the creator of the universe. He own every person and knows them more than you do. Ask God to help you in all your relationships. A simple prayer for the other person for blessing can open your heart to the possibilities of what God wants you to do for them. As you allow God to lead you in your relationships and as you treat each person with great honour, the Lord will lead you to your husband even when you are not actively searching.

In conclusion, I encourage every woman reading this to focus more on being an excellent friend than on finding a husband. Practice these tips and enjoy the blessing of being a good friend to others and I can assure you that before long, there will be men who will be willing to do whatever it takes to have you as a wife. Remember that being nice and kind in your room will not bring you a husband. Go out there and be a blessing to someone that God has put on your path. If you are shy, do it one at a time. For those who are more out going they will do it many at a time. As long as you are consciously maximizing every connection that God sends your way every week you are on the path to finding your husband.

 

Finding a husband is important, but I have realized that those who are not really working hard to find a husband are the ones who find one while those who are focused on it keep getting disappointed. In my own opinion, the key to solving this problem is learning how to be a good friend. In my last post, I talked about the importance of having a pool of good friends and how to begin to make this friends. In this article I outline a few tips on building good friendships. One book that has been of help to me with respect to this topic is Dale Carnegie’s book titled: How to Win Friends and Influence People. I recommend this book for anyone who wants to learn how to make friends.

1) You have something to offer – To be a good friend, you need to realize that because you were created by God, you always have something to offer to the world around you. Do not let any limitations that you have hold you back from making friends. Everyone needs love and the love of God in you is valuable to everyone. As you understand and believe that everyone around you needs the love of God in you, your boldness to reach out to the people around you will increase.

2) Think of the other person – I find that many people are so focused on what the other person thinks about them, what others are saying about them, what others have more than them. If you are so focused on what other people are thinking you will find yourself limited. Rather, you should focus on what the other person needs. Remember that they always need love. They always need someone that cares about them without any ulterior motives. A good friend is always willing to be of help to the other without expecting any compensations. If you start from today to give out unconditional love to people around you, you will discover that you will start having more friends and you will start to enjoy loving people without the extra burden of expecting gratitude or reward. Needless to say, some of these men will start to want to have this lady all the time.

3) Listen more than you talk – I know many ladies like to talk and many men like to talk too. To truth is that while you are talking you are not really learning anything new. The best that you may be doing is reorganizing  your thoughts and discovering your thoughts. It is true that there are people who think more clearly as they speak, they seem not to have a strong ability to process their thought properly in their minds. If you are such a person, this tip will be a little more difficult for you to practice. However, I will still encourage you to hold back the processing of your thoughts from time to time so that you can learn something new from others. Make it a habit to try to learn something new about someone or from someone every day. Listen to them talk about their hobbies, about their grandchildren, about their new car, about their religion, about their faith, family and any other interest. The more you listen, the more people begin to get interested in really listening to you. The more you listen, the easier for you to determine if they meet your 3 non-negotiable qualities of a potential husband. If they do not meet your non-negotiable qualities of a husband, then you know they can only be friends. I am not suggesting that you end your friendships or your attempt at being a blessing to others as soon as you know that they don’t meet your “criteria” for marriage. I am only saying that you may as well enjoy the friendship without burdening it with any further expectations.

4) Share some of your thoughts and feelings – I have a friend that I find a little bit difficult to connect with. Whenever I spend time with this particular friend, it feels very dry and mechanical. There is hardly any emotions involved. Don’t get me wrong – we share some jokes, we laugh, we ask the right questions but at the end, I really don’t feel any connection. And to tell the truth if I don’t have that meeting again I would not miss it very much. Over the years as our friendship has continued (i cannot say developed) I have always wondered what  was the reason for this dry and mechanical relationship? I am still baffled by my friends lack of connection but I have a little more understanding of it now. I think the main reason for the lack of emotion is that my friend does not really share his feelings about stuff. He says the right things but not necessarily the things that come from the heart. You will hardly hear my friend say something like, I am glad to have you as a friend. Or before now I felt really confused about your calls but now I am happy to know that you are well. It seems that my friend really never thinks about others when they are not there. Why are we still friends? Because over the years I have come to realize that my friend is capable of emotions, he is just not used to being friendly in the way we are used to.  If you are like my friend, start sharing a few thoughts and feelings with your friends. Start with the feelings that will not make you too vulnerable and gradually share some more as trust is built. When we don’t share some of our inner thoughts and feelings, the other person can easily sense our lack of trust and the friendship never really develops.

5) Be honest – To be honest does not mean that you say every thing that comes to your mind (this is a good way of destroying your frienship). What I mean by this tip is that you do not pretend to be someone other than yourself. If you hate wine, say so. If you love movies, say so. Don’t try to become what the other person likes. Rather discover who the other person is and present yourself to see if you are what they like. Be assured that there are thousands of people who like someone just like you. Be honest about your experience, your limitations, your strengths (you have some of these even if you don’t believe it), your expectations and everything that makes you who you are. You cannot buy love – So don’t try to make people like you. Keep trying to improve and trust that there are people who like you the way you are now and are willing to go with you on the journey towards change for the better.

This article is already long enough. I will present the other 5 tips in my next post. Try to practice some of these tips this week and leave me a comment or two. Please read the article titled; Be a good friend before thinking of finding a husband. I look forward to hearing testimonies and invitations to weddings.

If you have made your list of 3 non-negotiable qualities that your potential husband must have, and you have decided not to fall into the vicious cycle of dating, then you must begin to learn how to be a good friend. It is not healthy to go around looking for a husband in every man that you meet. Most men are not interested in being hunted down, in fact most men enjoy the thrill of chasing a woman, wooing her and winning her love and her hand in marriage. If you are interested in finding your husband, you should leave the “husband” angle alone for now and concentrate on being a good friend.

Many entreat the favor of the nobility, And every man is a friend to one who gives gifts. (Pro 19:6 NKJ)

Now lets talk about making friends. To be a good friend you need to first meet people who can be your friends. Here is where you have to be wise. You should not choose and pick those whom you would be friendly to. I suggest that you be kind and friendly to every person that God brings across your path. See each person as a messenger of God to bless you. Believe in your heart that since God created them, no matter how much they have perverted the original product, God still loves them and God may have something for you in them. Do not misunderstand me. I am not saying that you should “date” everyone. I am saying smile at everyone that God brings across your path. Listen to them if they need you to. Assist them in anyway that you may be required to. If the friendship develops beyond the first meeting then so be it. If it doesn’t then just be grateful. To be a good friend, you must have the interest of the other person at heart. People are always attracted to those who have their best interest at heart even if the resist at first.

Where do you meet friends? There are many places a lady can meet men such as, bus rides, libraries, church meetings, special programs of other churches, school, work, grocery stores, volunteer activities, parties, while walking your dog, neighbours etc. It does not matter where you meet the person, what you must have in mind is that if God brought them across your path, you should leave a blessing with them. So when next you go to a church meeting, take the time to meet someone new (male or female) and be a blessing to them. Ask them how they are, find out how you can make their visit to church better. Look out for ways that you can be a blessing to someone on the bus. When standing in line at the store, be open for conversation. Say hi and smile to the person ahead of you or behind you. Never mind whether they are male or female. Just be a nice person looking to make someones day by being nice. Smile and treat the cashier with respect and dignity. I advise that you try going to the same grocery store as often as you can, go regularly to the same coffee shop so that you can begin to make some connections with those working there. The more you do this the more you increase your pool of potential friends. Once you start connecting with one or two more people (male) on a regular basis, your confidence will increase and you can have more friends. In many cases, your husband would most likely come from your pool of friends. Your church family is usually the best place to find a husband since you would be spending time regularly with the members and can get to know them without dating.

I find that many sisters go to church but are not involved in many of the church activities and as such they really do not make any friends at church. Others have a delusion that friends are friends and lovers are lovers. They do not know how to see a christian brother who is a friend as being a potential husband. If you really want to find a husband, I encourage you to be involved in the weekly activities at church, and consciously make friends. Take time to pray for the people that you are beginning to talk to after the service and try to find ways to bless them (I am not saying that you should pray for them to become your husband). Pray for them to grow in their walk with God and any other blessings that come to mind. As you genuinely go out of your way to be a blessing, the Lord will give you the desires of your heart. Give the gift of kindness to as many people as you can.

Action – Try to meet someone new at church this Sunday. When I say new I mean someone you may not have spoken to for more than one or two sentences. Find out their name and ask them how they enjoyed the sermon. Try to see if you can make them feel important and valuable by listen to them and being kind. And if you see them again during the week, continue the discussion from when you stopped.

In my next post I will talk more about friendship. I pray that you will find your husband soon. I would love to read your comments or questions.