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Say No To Dating! Yes to friendship and courtship

Should a christian be dating? First let us define dating! Basically there are many different schools of thought on the meaning of dating. Formally it means to go out socially. A date is supposed to be a social outing that helps two people get to know each other better, it is meant to be a social outing where two people can get to talk and find out some basic information about each other. Over the years it has gradually become more and more difficult to define because over time, people going out for these social outings have used it as opportunities to express sexual attraction and in many cases, the first date ends in a kiss, “making-out”, and many times different levels of sexual exposures. I believe as the lines of definition of what a date meant became blured over the years, more and more people have become confused about dating and now it does more harm than good.

My Definition of Dating

A man and woman are said to be dating when they call themselves boyfriend and girlfriend; or when they act like a couple although they do not officially call themselves a couple; when they spend more than 50% of their free time together doing things together (not in a group) without a clear definition of their relationship. It is this definition of dating that I want everyone to say no to. Any type of social outing in which a kiss is expected to be given at the end is not what Christian Marriage is about. I would advice anyone who is interested in finding a spouse in the Kingdom of God to run from such an idea.

5 reasons why you should consider saying no to dating

1) Dating blinds your eyes to other potential partners while you are dating – Since the two individuals begin to act as a couple from the first date, they inadvertently shut the door to the possibilities of meeting other potential partners. I would suggest that singles should be more involved in quality friendships and only move the relationship to the next level when at least one of them is convinced that they are willing take this to marriage.

2) Dating clouds your ability to hear the voice of God (or your inner witness) – As Chrisitians we believe that God speaks to us and guides us in our daily living. Once you begin a relationship by becoming emotionally attached and physically involved, it becomes quite difficult to be open to whatever God will say with regards to the one you are attached to. We would tend to try to get God to approve of our choice rather than letting God guide our choice.

3) It may lead easily to sex before marriage – Once you begin to see a person as that special one, and you start being physically and emotionally attached the pressure to show a little more affection increases. If you are not yet interested in marriage and you are being pressured to show affection, you will soon move from holding hands to things that you never planned to do. There are people who say, we did not have a kiss on the first date and we will keep it like that until we decide what next we are doing, only to find themselves making out and even having sex and destroying a relationship that may have blossomed gradually into a beautiful friendship or marriage.

4) It leads to more heartbreaks – By the time an average boy or girl is married he or she has been heart broken a good number of times. Though we may think that these heartbreaks are not so bad, they do influence the way we think and how we approach love. A person who has broken up with someone about 5 – 10 times will tend to think that everyone is selfish or self centered and that he should protect himself. On the other hand, if a boy chooses not to date but have quality friends, he would simply not take the relationship to the next level and avoid the heartbreak and the subsequent negative outlook on love and relationships in general.

5) It makes the marriage weak – Since the two decided to marry each other based on the fact that they had spent a long time together and they felt like they knew each other, they find it really difficult to work on the marriage when either they find another person who they are attracted to or they are just going through some difficulties in their marriage. On the other hand, if you take the time to make friends, you get to know how different people are and you are able to make a choice based on inner conviction and wisdom rather than an emotional rush which quickly fades away when one person fails or there is a very difficult situation like sickness.

My Recommendations

1) Make more friends of the opposite gender, be genuinely interested in people; I find that everyone is blessed with one gift or the other. Don’t group people into “marryabbe” or “not-marryable”. Just be a blessing to anyone that is open to being blessed. If they become rude and continue to ask for a date when you know (from inner conviction) that you are not interested in pursuing that route, be firm and reduce your communication to pass across the message but continue to be kindly disposed to them in your heart. God has a way of taking care of those who abandon their own interest to take care of others. That being said, you should still take care of yourself, develop your walk with God, your career and let God find you a spouse that will suit His plans for you.

2) Learn to love who you are and be honest about who you are – Try not to be tempted to try to impress people by changing facts about yourself to conform to what you think or they say they want. It is better to loose the friendship now than much later when they find out who you truly are. There are many people out there who are looking for someone just like you.

3) When you find someone you are attracted to, try to become their friends – you want to be sure that they are who they truly appear to be before you let your emotions run.

4) Only go exclusive with a person when you are mostly convinced that you would want it to go towards marriage. Pray much and consider getting counsel from people who know you and you trust before even letting your emotions go all the way.

Conclusions – Although these suggestions may look dated and difficult to follow, I would like to encourage you that you will save yourself a good deal of pain by following these Biblical principles.

Ask Jesus into your Marriage – A wedding sermon

On the third day there was a wedding in Cana of Galilee, and the mother of Jesus was there. Now both Jesus and His disciples were invited to the wedding. ³And when they ran out of wine, the mother of Jesus said to Him, “They have no wine.”Jesus said to her, “Woman, what does your concern have to do with Me? My hour has not yet come.”His mother said to the servants, “Whatever He says to you, do it.”Now there were set there six waterpots of stone, according to the manner of purification of the Jews, containing twenty or thirty gallons apiece. Jesus said to them, “Fill the waterpots with water.”And they filled them up to the brim. And He said to them, “Draw some out now, and take it to the master of the feast.” And they took it. When the master of the feast had tasted the water that was made wine, and did not know where it came from (but the servants who had drawn the water knew), the master of the feast called the bridegroom. And he said to him, “Every man at the beginning sets out the good wine, and when the guests have well drunk, then the inferior. You have kept the good wine until now!” (John 2: 1-10)

The story about this wedding in Cana is always a blessing to me. I always wonder what would have hapened if the couple had decided to leave Jesus and his disciples out of their guest list. What would they have done when they ran out of wine? You know running out of wine at the wedding could also be symbolic of running out of wine in the marriage itself. Anyone who has been married knows that wine can run out of any marriage – you suddenly discover that you really do not want him to come near you right now, the laughter seems to have dissappeared, no more dates, flowers are no where to be found, the joy seemed to have just run out… just like wine at the wedding, although we realise that wine has run out suddenly, it really does not happen suddenly. The wine runs out gradually because it is not being replaced, it happens because we have assumed that we have enough – that there is no need to worry about replacement. The message today however is that regardless of how it happend, this couple had been wise enough or fortunate enough to invite Jesus to their wedding. I encourage you today to invite Jesus into your marriage.

Inviting Jesus is not enough

If you have invited Jesus into your marriage, I salute your wisdom; however I must remind you that inviting Jesus is not enough. You must go to the next level. Whenever there is a problem you need to bring that problem to Jesus. It’s so easy to start your marriage in church and to invite Jesus at the beginning of the marriage but then when the wine runs out we attack each other rather than going to Jesus. We forget that He is able to turn water to wine. Brother and Sister, when that day comes when you dont know what to do – before you cry, before you complain remember to ask Jesus.

Asking Jesus is not enough

Many times we do go beyond inviting Jesus. Some of us actually go on to ask for help, but there is something about Jesus that scares us. His instructions are usually different. I would like to highlight 4 characteristics about the instructions that Jesus gives:

They are usually quite simple and doable – How hard can it be to put water into the waterpots? And in your relationship, how hard can it be to say the word sorry? How hard can it be to show respect to your spouse. To do the dishes this night without asking your spouse?
They may not look reasonable, fashionable or comfortable – Yes although they may be easy to do in terms of the actual action, but many times we are unwilling to do them because of the emotional issues we would have to deal with in other to carry out Christs instructions.
They usually look unconnected to the immediate issue
However they always bring miraculous results if followed. This is the reason why we must be careful to make sure that whatever He tells us to do we do it.

Today my charge to you and to all those who are here today is the charge that Mary the mother of Jesus gave to those people at the wedding. I can only imagine what would have happen if no one gave them this very crucial tip. I guess they would have ignored the instructions like many of us have done in the past. Today dear friends, listen to what Mary the mother of Jesus says. Whatever he tells you to do, do it.

If Jesus tells you to take your spouse out for dinner, please do it. If you need to be quite about a situation that you think you have to speak about, please be quite. Follow the instructions of Christ that He drops in your heart rather than what your emotional reactions wants to do. Your marriage will be strong and robust if you are able to do what Jesus tells you to do. May the blessing of the Lord multiply upon your marriage.

Increase your own pay

What is the difference between the guy that is paid $8/hr and the one that is paid $100/hr? You got it right – It’ s the value of their skills. If you have a skill that everybody has, you will be paid minimum wage. If you imporve yourself and you differentiate yourslef from the crowd by having superior skills, you will be valued more and you will find someone who will be willing to pay your more for your valueable skills. Here is a list of 10 ways that you can use to improve your value.

Read a lot; especially personal development books – This is one of the least expensive ways of acquiring new skills. There are many books, videos, ebooks that one can read on virtually any topic. Make it a habit to regularly read, listen to or watch something that can help you do what you do better or help you learn something new that will contribute to being better skilled.
Take a course
Practice
Listen to people that are ahead of you
Help others to develop
Try new things
Find people who are interested in the skills you have
Concentrate on developing your strengths
Learn inter-personal skill
Be open to criticisms

Disposable Era, Disposable Marriage?

When I was a little girl we had the nice black and white TV that my dad loved so much. I dont know the story behind how he got this relic but I know that he was so careful about the way we used the TV. This TV had a personal repair man, we call him Uncle Faj., a man very good at what he did. Anytime this TV had a problem, we all knew the next step- book an appointment with Uncle Faj. He will either come home to fix the TV or have us bring it into his store and before you know it, it’s working fine again. We used this TV for so long that my dad was not going to change it for the new color TVs, this one is better he will say, until it became more cost efficient to buy a new one.

Why did I tell you this story? Because I wanted to compare it with the culture we have today predominantly in the western world. Its costs so much to repair any gadget so we are left with little choice when it comes to repairing anything.When your microwave is broken, what do you do? Pay $100 to fix it or pay $100 to buy a new one. While a few older people will prefer to fix the old one, many of us will buy a new one. Why fix it if I can get a newer model with more capabilities for almost the same price?

The irony of this is that we hardly find repair shops around. No one is attracted to the maintenance and repair related careers. Everyone wants to build something new; everyone wants to be a star.

This might sound like its not a big deal, but it affects our generation more than we know. The same way our gadgets have become disposable, the same way our relationships have become disposable. Whenever there is a misunderstanding in a relationship, the first thought today day is “may be we are not even compatible”. The moment someone says something about their own relationship that you don’t have in yours, you think “my partner is not one of the best around and doesn’t appreciate me, if not why is he not doing so and so for me like it is in every other relationship”. Or when someone says something about your relationship that you don’t like, its like a confirmation in your mind that this is not right and you begin to think of new people that can make you satisfied.

I am not trying to say that its wrong to evaluate your relationship. My question is are you evaluating to confirm your conclusion that your partner is not good or are you evaluating to see ways to maintain and improve your relationship. For a car to work well and last long, it needs to visit the garage for a regular oil change and sometimes get some tunes ups done. For your marriage to work well and last long, you need to add some regular oil change to your marriage routine. You need to work on your marriage with a maintenance mind set not a disposal mind set.

The idea is not to wait till there is a problem before looking at your option but from the first day of your marriage know that your oil changes are very important and schedule them. This might be:

setting a date night once a week or month depending on both your schedules.
setting a time to hang out with other couples that are doing well in order to learn from them.
attending a marrige workshop once in a while.
doing something for your partner with the mind of love not because you need a reward from them…

No one goes out with the mind of purposefully discarding their relationship however, this is what happens when everyone neglects the place of actively working on their marriage. Life has some very genuine distractions: career, children, extended family, church, friend… All these add flavour to each life and are essential but none must take you away from actively investing quality time with the man or woman you fell in love with. Like my Dad’s black and white TV, your marriage needs to have a personal maintenance mentor.

How to make your marriage sweeter – men

This is an article I prepared some time ago for a magazine. The article is targeted for men, but a lot of women can benefit from it too. In this article, my aim was to give men some tips on how to keep a good relationship going and to take it to a new level. I appeal to my female readers to bear with my overly masculine undertone. I wanted the men to wake up and make their women happy. Enjoy and give me your feedback.

Take Charge – The Man must be willing to take control of the home, he must be willing to create an atmosphere in which the woman is comfortable to follow him. She wants to be able to relax as if her protector, friend or guide is in charge. It’s the kind of feeling you have when a trusted person is handling your vehicle. You are able to sleep, knowing fully well that you will arrive at the destination safely. How can this be done practically? By being patient, by reassuring your wife all the time and I guess you can come up with more.

Learn to be Kind – A woman will do anything in the world for you if you put them at ease about their faults; build up their strong points. You need to reach the high level of kindness that says, I love you for who you are. I love you the way you are and I am ever so glad to have you in my life. What I believe most people want, is someone that is willing to take time to know them and after knowing them is willing to accept them just like they are able to accept themselves. If you make it your business to know your wife, and you make up your mind that no matter what you discover, you will help her to be what she wants to be, you will discover a world of happiness and joy known only to few men. What are some of the things your wife does so well? Tell her you notice and you appreciate them.

Start at the Mirror – You must start by working on yourself. If you try to make your spouse better, you will only fail. Can You say 3 or 4 things you plan to do better this week? It is fast becoming common knowledge that if you want to change someone, you change yourself. Always learn to ask this question – What can I change in me, that will help my darling to be better at _______? Place whatever you want her to be better at in the blank.

Ask her to help you grow – Be honest with your wife, accept that you are not perfect, ask her to help you be a good husband. And most importantly – MEAN IT. BE READY TO TRY OUT HER ADVICE. The same applies to the wife. It is possible that what she would say will knock you off your feet; However if you are a strong man ready to make your home a paradise on earth, make up your mind that your first reaction to her advice will be thank you. You must not defend yourself or retaliate. Your wife needs to feel that she is needed in your life. She wants to feel indispensable.

Communicate all the time – It’s important that you speak honestly to each other about your inner feelings. Not just things that happen outside but how you feel inside. The way you evaluate the depth of a relationship is how much of the inner thoughts, feelings, fears, ambitions, ideas are being shared. Aim never to have someone closer to you than your spouse. You must learn to listen to your wife. I personally have learnt that my wife does not always say exactly what she wants so I also read her body language. That is why most women always want you to look at them when they are talking. Give her time to express her self and have your undivided attention. Do not be afraid to say your mind about issues. Don’t assume that it is better to lie to her so that she will not be hurt. She will eventually find out and she will be more hurt. Aim at being totally honest with your spouse. Communicate often – Be creative and use technology. You don’t need to spend lots of money. I find that spending too much can spoil things sometimes.

If you like it say so – 3 things a husband must do everyday. Tell her you love her, do something nice for her and pay her a compliment. Tell her how beautiful she looks. Remind her about the part of her body that you love (the fact that you are married does not mean that you are blind!). Always look for opportunities to make your wife happy.

The Power of Faith – Keep saying good things about your babe. Even when she is not yet perfect in some things, say what you believe she will be. Tell her I believe you will be the best employee at your work this month. I see that you don’t get upset as often as you used to. I see that you are looking more beautiful everyday. Isee that you are such a great wife.

How to tell her what you don’t like? – Begin by telling her what you do like. If you have mastered the habit of telling her what you like, she will expect you to be honest with her about the things you don’t like as well. I suggest however that you always think of a positive way to say what you have to say.

Winning by loosing – Sometimes you need to give in – you will get a better result later. You cannot afford to win every argument. When you learn to loose some and let your wife save face, she will accept later that you were right and she will end up asking for your opinion. If you try to prove to her that you are smarter than her, she will keep trying to out smart you and that’s not as much fun as having her support and she having yours.

Never miss an opportunity to say I love you – Make the special days special. Get an organizer and plug in all the special days. The day you proposed to her (if you remember), your wedding anniversary (check the marriage certificate), Her Birthday (check her drivers license), and any other special days, the day you bought your first home and so on.

I can hardly wait to see you – Let her know you want to have her around you. If you discover that you don’t feel like this, think more about her and the feelings will come back. Spend time talking on the bed at night, be romantic. Be creative, Have fun and let your spouse tell you what fun means to her. Enjoy.

Real Love by Dr. Greg Baer

Real Love: The Truth About Finding Unconditional Love & Fulfilling Relationshipsis a must read for anyone. Dr Baer does an excellent job of articulating what needs to be done to change one’s relationships from being self-centered and frustrating to “other focused” and fulfilling. When I first read this book a few years ago, I immediately ordered a copy for Olu. There are many principles in this book that you may already know or even are practicing but just reading about them and getting them organised will really move you along on your path towards a more fulfilling relationship.

Three things that stood out for me from this book:

Everyone needs unconditional love and they are willing to do anything to get it. If you learn how to love unconditionally you will not only be happy, you will become a source of happiness for the people around you.
If you are not happy in your marriage or other relationship, the problem is not the other. The problem is you! You don’t need others to make you happy
We try to “buy” love by becoming angry, withdrawing, lying or complaining. These actions only get us “imitation love” which is never satisfactory.

Other books by Dr Baer

33 Life Principles that have helped me

How you can make maximum impact. Here are some of the principles that I have been developing for my life over the years. Some of the principles listed here are still work in progress but I believe you will be able to pick one or two things from here. I have just written these straight from my heart and I know it would need some explanations and editing but I just feel like presenting the raw form of it for now.

Every person must aim to live at the peak of their potentials. It is important to make sure that once you discover a way of living that will make you more useful that you follow that path as soon as possible.
The World needs real, authentic people who will show that even though all humans have weaknesses, God has made a way to restore humans to Gods original plan for us.
It takes courage to face the challenges of life, face the criticisms of the skeptics and yet keep focused on the word of God and be adamant that you will make a difference in your community.
If you do not determine to make a difference, you will struggle all your life to be fulfilled and you may not be fulfilled. Lots of money may help you to make some difference but what the world needs is not more money but more love. More of God’s kind of unconditional love.
Money, fame, power would come your way if you determine to make a difference, but you must never allow any of these to become the goal. The goal is to show the world that God loves them and to to show this perfecting love in action.
But first you must re-position yourself for maximum impact
You must move from a position of little or negative impact to a position of maximum impact.
You can only make maximum impact in your domain. Your domain is your primary area of greatness and positive influence. It seems to be programmed in your DNA.
If you locate your area of influence and work hard on it without truly connecting with God, you will make an impact but the impact may not be the maximum impact.
There are millions of people all over the world who have never discovered their area of maximum impact and have lived far below their maximum potentials.
Millions of people leave their homes everyday to work at jobs that limit them. I have made up my mind never to add to this number.
Jesus says you (Christians) are the light of the world and the salt of the earth. You have a lot to offer. However, if you are not well positioned, your light will not make the necessary impact.
Proverbs says that a poor man’s wisdom is despised. You need to realize that if you don’t seem to be benefiting from this relationship with God, people will wonder why they should listen to you.
Having faith in God through Jesus Christ may be hard at times but you must stay committed to what you have discovered to be true.
Determine that you will never turn back.
Locate your area of strength.
Develop your area of strength and find people who are strong in your area of weakness to help you.
Be committed to helping other people develop their strengths.
If you fall today, rise up and try again.
Always be objective. If its dead, bury it and go on.
If it’s not dead – don’t give up.
Cultivate solid relationships that compliment your purpose and that help your purpose.
Discard anything in your life that has a negative impact on your life and the life of other people.
Replace bad habits with good ones.
Make the people around you feel like kings and queens by celebrating their strengths and complimenting their weaknesses.
Learn to receive help from people who want to help you. Accepting help enables people around you to shine and to contribute to your success.
Try never to leave people the way you met them. Endeavor to pray for everyone that you meet (in your heart) and let them see the love of God in you.
Never blame anyone for your failures. Always think of a better way to do things to avoid similar results. I find that if you think clearly, you will always learn from your failures. Once you learn from it, it’s no longer a failure but a learning experience.
Do not be in a hurry to get to the “promised land”. Celebrate every progress and continue to move forward. Never look back. Remember Mrs Lot.
Always evaluate. Check over and over to see if you are still moving forward or moving in circles. Many people start out well but then they end up badly because they lost focus on the way.
Be brutally honest with yourself. If you are a thief say “.. I am a thief. it’s bad to be a thief. I will stop being a thief from now on.” Do not engage in the folly of deceiving yourself. If you are a complete failure in music, admit it and find what you are excellent in. The earlier you start looking the better.
Don’t spend all your time trying to be excellent at what you are naturally poor at. Rather improve on your strengths and do the best to find people who will complement you.
Always enjoy your life as it is now, and as life gets better with you, enjoy the more.

Honest Talk about Life, Love, Relationships, Marriage…

Welcome to Ade & Olu.com! Thanks for taking the time to visit. What we aim to do with this site is to share our lives with the world. We are two people who love one another very much and we believe that everyone can and should have this kind of love in their lives.

It seems that having a happy marriage or relationship is becoming more and more difficult as the years go by. We believe that one of the reasons for this is that we try to work out a healthy, loving and fulfiling relationship in isolation. When we share our lives with one another, and we build quality frienships, our significant relationships are not as strained. As a result, on this blog you will read about our personal experiences as we Pastor a Church in Canada and our daily lives as individuals in the community. You will also read about our thoughts on various issues of life with a definite focus on love. As a couple we believe that the missing link in many lives is LOVE. So this blog will be about love and how we live our daily lives in the light of LOVe – Unconditional love.

A good way to see this blog is that it will be informative, and also honest and practical. We will try to be as honest as we can without being rude. We know that there are may people who will not agree with what we will write, however our goal is to be of help to those who need help and find this blog useful. We don’t claim that we know it all, but we will try be as informative as possible.

Enjoy

Top 3 Non-Negotiable Qualities of your Potential Husband

As you begin to ponder on the type of husband you are hoping to find, one principle that helps would be to have a list of 3 non-negotiable qualities that you are looking for in your potential husband. Having these qualities will save you a lot of time, emotional energy, heartbreaks and aborted relationships. Having this list can be beneficial for the following reasons:

You would know right away wether to invest in a relationship or not: If one of your non-negotiable qualites is that your potential husband must be of the same or similar faith or religious background as yours, you will find that you will not spend much time or resources in pursuing relationships with men who are not open to the teachings of your particular faith background. Or for a woman who already has children, it will be a waste of time and resources to pursue a relationship with a man who is not interested in her children.

The woman becomes more confident because she assumes the stance of a person screening potential men for a relationship as opposed to being desperate for a man. Most men are attracted to confident women; they look much more beautiful because they are more attentive to their looks, they are more attractive, because they look at people in the eyes, they are able to focus on what is going on around them since they do not focus on how they are being assessed by the people around them. It is important that every woman who wants to get a husband, develop a healthy view of herself.

3 qualities is enough – It is quite important that a woman does not have more than three non-negotiables. When one has more than 3, she becomes quite picky and may loose out on potential matches. So work hard on your previous list and take the top 3 qualities. I find that most people can compromise on many things but not on everything. Here is a sample list of a ladies top 3

He must be a growing and passionate Christian
He must love my children
He must be able and willing to work (should have worked if recently out of job)

What do you want in a husband?

When going shopping, it is usually a good idea to have a shopping list. Why is this? Because you could spend much longer in the grocery store than you originally planned. You could also get back home late, tired and maybe upset because your family mambers are upset that you have messed up thier plans only to realise that you forgot one of the ingredients you need to prepare a special meal. Needless to say – take that extra 5 mins to write a shopping list. It will still be useful even if you forget to take it along to the grocery store because the exercise of writing it has already helped to reinforce the list to your memory.

You need a shopping list for your husband – Because of my work and my interest in marriage relationships, I have had the opportunity to ask several women about what they want in a husband. And many times, I have heard them say things like – “He should be cute” followed by a giggle. Or something in the line of “I just want whoever God wants for me”. Or “I want a man who will be there for me”. Now all these statements are good but they fall short. They are like going to the grocery store and saying I want to buy good food and good thing to use at home. Almost every thing in the store are good for food and using at home.

Ladies you need to be more specific – What do you mean by cute? Tall, short, gentle… what you consider cute in one person may not be cute in another person. Yes of course we assume that you should be attracted to him. I always encourage people to simply desire a person that they are attracted to. Fixating on physical attraction may cloud your ability to discover the beauty in a man whom you may not consider “cute” or physically appealing at first contact. What do you mean by whoever God wants for you? How will you know who God wants for you? In the gospel according to John, we are told that John the Baptizer was told that the messiah is the one upon whom he sees the spirit descending. What are the qualities that you would look for in your potential husband?

Tips on drawing a husband shopping list – My intention is this post is to encourage to draw up a list of things you want in a husband. Start by writing all that comes to mind. At this point, you do not need to filter your thoughts. Whatever comes to your mind just keep on writing. I will encourage you to write at list 30 things. You can write more if you like. The more you write the better because then you will see clearly what you have be unconsciously looking for and you will be able to make any necessary adjustments.Here is an example of a list – these are actual things that women have mentioned over the years

He should be taller than me
He should be working or at least has worked consistently for a few years
He should love my kids or should love Kids
He should be willing to accept that I don’t want kinds
Patient
Not a drinker of alcohol
Love parties
be willing to try new things
love travelling
love God
not too religious
good sense of dressing and colours
be a good cook
be comfortable around my friends and family
same religious affiliations
be willing to live in Africa
not abusive
laugh at my jokes – good sense of humor
make me laugh
interested in business

Streamline your list – once you have dumped all your thoughts on paper, you have written at least 30 thing you think you want in a husband. You can now begin to arrange them in order of preference. You can start by crossing out the last 10 that you can do without and then another 2 and on an on until you are left with 10. I will encourage you to write these 10 0n another sheet of paper then grade them on a scale of 1 – 10 with 1 being the most important and 10 being the least important. This is your final list.

Top 3 non negotiable qualities – Now take a look at your list, if you have done a thorough job, you should have your top three non-negotiable qualities of your potential husband. They are usually the same for most women. I will discuss this in my next post.