Category: Love and Relationships

A kiss, a hug or a clean heart?

How do you welcome your spouse home?

One day my boys got me thinking…. My best friend and darling husband came home and as usual they ran to greet him.  ‘How come I don’t do this all the time’, I asked myself.  I hardly ever welcome him home the way the boys do. I am usually in the middle of something when he gets home. I am a queen at running the home show and am always busy running the show… so whenever he got back, I usually don’t stop to give him huge welcome home like my little men. Dinner needs to be concluded.  The boys on the other hand, super excited,  drops everything to get his hug, sometimes which means getting out of bed to say welcome Daddy. Its really fun to see.

Back in the days, when my responsibilities at home were lighter, I would try to. However, even then, I was not so religious about it. After questioning myself on this very day, the first thought was “just do it, that’s what a good wife would do”,  I promised myself to appreciate my dear husband with a huge kiss as he returns home at the end of each day. I noticed thereafter that some days I do and some other days I completely forget. Why? I believe its because I wasnt exposed to kisser parents. So I formed my ideals about this around what I was used to. Even though I still try to, I find myself naturally huge and kiss when we had not seen for a bit; usually at His return after a trip. When I did everyday, it appears to me like a movie. So many times, even though I am very happy to have my hubby back home, I have other ways of welcoming him with love.

The boys need time with their Dad and so I usually give them space for that. Knowing that after their bed time it will be for my sweetheart and I alone.

I however have a habit of checking my heart, just to make sure that there is nothing else standing in the way. I still wanted my motives to be clear to me. So I decided to always  check my heart each time my hubby get home. And lo and behold I discovered that sometimes I was not as excited as the boys. At times mad at him for not getting home early enough, not remembering to pick up something from the store, not remembering to call the person he planned to…the list goes on. Other times I got frustrated due for a bad day and couldn’t wait for him to get back talk. Carried away with my issues sometimes, I forget to cheer him up. Thank God for those wonderful boys that God used to point to me to my heart.

God used my boys to point my attention to my heart. I asked God for help to continue to live with a light heart towards people close to me especially my best friend. And I thank God for  His help daily. Neither of us are perfect. I made up my mint to daily check & clear my heart. And forgive any wrong.

Of course my human nature still continues to struggle to lead but I remind myself that I died to Christ. So whether I welcome him home with a kiss or not, I do with a clean heart. I am sincerely happy with him and excited to have him as my best friend. Whenever I find some ugly thing in my heart, I work on it.  I deal with any wrong feeling as soon as I notice it, even before we get to discuss the issue. This helps me to joyfully towards my husband (whether home or not) and this has really helped our friendship. By God’s grace I am happy to say that our marriage is one in a million. Its a place where God dwells.

Today, I want to ask you ladies out there to ask God help as you determine in your heart to welcome your husband home with a lovely heart everyday. That whether you kiss him, hug him or quickly finish your chores as he walks in, you are doing so with a heart that truly respects and honors the man that God has given you as the head of your home and that you are sincerely grateful to God for this wonderful man.

Keep on enjoying Christ’s love.

Too Late To Fix?

Every day I meet with couples that are struggling in their relationship. They understood each other a while back but along the line, things happen that they stop trying to cultivate their relationships. The same love birds that could not do without each other prior to marriage get to a point that they cant even stand each other. What happened, is this really the end of this relationship? Is it too late to put in efforts to this relationship.

I know that each case is different and it might be ambiguous to say that its not too late, also considering a relationship with two people that are God fearing, you would think that God being the center of each life would help each person to see their wrong but usually this is not the case.

Hence, I really love to look at this a bit more critically. Why do people give up on their marriage?

Familiarity

The first point here is what is known as closeness. Two people get so close to each other that they stop working hard at loving each other. They take things for granted. ” He knows I love him, I don’t need to do anything special to let him know”. This is one of the biggest killers in Christian marriages.

Two new lovers will work hard at proving their love to each other before they tie the knot and they would really bring out the best in each other. He wants her happy all the times and she does the same. Lots of pleasant surprises and gifts are in such relationships at the beginning which gradually diminishes as time goes on.

If your relationship is gradually sleeping into the state of coma, I want to ask you a question. Why is this so? Life got in the way? Children? work? Extended family? sickness, fear? So many things could have been responsible. You need to figure out what came into your marriage, that might equip you to deal with the issue.

Bitterness

Another problem in relationships is the past hurts. Many people are not able to look pass and forgive the other or themselves for whatever happened in the past. They say they have forgiven themselves but they act as if they have not. And so because of the hurt that is deep down, they are not able to see present actions with clear lens.

The best way to deal with this is to thing about your spouse or look at them. What emotions do you feel on the inside? Do you feel sad, mad, angry, sick, scared, pain, weak? Take stock of what you have on the inside and surrender that to God. Let God guide you into forgiveness and dealing with the root of bitterness.

Impossibilities

In other cases, the one partner is doing something that needs to change. The one spouse complains so bad that but there is no results or changes. They seek help together but no results. Many people go into marriage with an assurance of being able to change their spouse. They might not say it like that but they have that as the foundation of their relationship. Many even give themselves the conditions that upon changing him or her we will be able to get married.

Many of this cases have been there before the marriage. An example is one that drinks casually before marriage and then becomes an addict after. Usually he didn’t plan to be this way but he has had this issue before in his past and stress of life brought him back to the state of being a drunk.

Wrong Foundation

Many relationships started with lies as the foundation. For a family to prosper, there must be full truth, whether by behavior or by what is said. When there is the case of lies, trust must be built over again. The spouse on the receiving end must help his or her spouse to be able to speak their minds. The reason people lie is fear. ” If I tell the truth, they will never love me”

The list goes on why people choose not to make any further attempt to fix their marriage. Some times this will become a  temporary state of things and others more permanent in state. However, God is able to repair every broken pieces that you have. Your mess in God’s hands becomes a message that can turn many to you.

You can begin to trust in the Lord with all your life including your relationship. He will tell you what to do. Then begin to do them and trust God to transform lives including yours. First thing is that you will notice that Your heart is open to love your spouse again. As this happens, you begin to see him or her as the person you fell in love with. Or you will find this amazing love that melts your heart towards him/her.

I pray that your relationship will grow in the Lord. Keep looking out for ways to build each other up and how to help each other and not yourself.

God bless.

 

 

Questions To Ask Each Other Before Marriage

Its midnight here now and I cant put these thought off my mind. This would help anyone in a premarital relationship.

Now that you found someone you like, you have the butterfly thing going, now what? People say its good to get to know each other before you start planning a wedding but how?

The following  questions would guide your conversations. This is not meant to be done all-at-once and definitely not like an interview. But if you know the answer to most of these question you can say that you know the person to a large extent.

Your personal faith

  • Do you believe in God?
  • What kind of relationship do you have with God
  • Would you want me to help you understand God better? How?
  • What do you think God’s plan for your life is and how would I come in?
  • Are you committed to any religious organisation

Your background

  • How present was your boilogical father while you were growin up?
  • What kind of relationship did/ do you have with your bilogical Mom
  • Are there other persons (man/woman) that play these crucial roles in your life
  • How many siblings do you have, where are they and what do they do.
  • Do you have any important extended family member that is very important to you, why?
  • How did you grow up, did you have sleep overs, vacations, home school, field trips, camps…
  • Was God a part of your  family while your were growing up

Education

  • What was your favourite high school subject and why
  • Are you done with formal education or not
  • What other educational process would you want to take on.

Career

  • Is the job you have now your desired job
  • if you had all the money you need to pay your bills for the next 3 yrs what would you be doing?
  • Are you a career oriented person
  • Do you think you will work till age 65
  • What brings meaning to your life?
  • How do you find the people you work with

Sexual

  • What do you know about sex
  • Would you love abstinence before marriage
  • How do you think we can achieve that
  • Have you ever hurt someone’s feelings  emotionally
  • Did you settle the issue with them
  • Do you have children from past relationships, how often do you see your child

Financial

  • Do you have any major debt
  • How much do you make annually
  • Do you give to any charitable organization
  • What’s your ideal income level? Huge and enough to live a normal life

Some Final Extra Questions

  • How long do you think you will stay longer in the city you live in
  • Do you like travelling
  • Would you love to go on a mission trip, where

I will love to stop here to rest my eyes for the day. I will try to add to the list later.

 

 

 

Ask Jesus into your Marriage – A wedding sermon

On the third day there was a wedding in Cana of Galilee, and the mother of Jesus was there. Now both Jesus and His disciples were invited to the wedding. 3 And when they ran out of wine, the mother of Jesus said to Him, “They have no wine.” Jesus said to her, “Woman, what does your concern have to do with Me? My hour has not yet come.” His mother said to the servants, “Whatever He says to you, do it.” Now there were set there six waterpots of stone, according to the manner of purification of the Jews, containing twenty or thirty gallons apiece. Jesus said to them, “Fill the waterpots with water.”And they filled them up to the brim.  And He said to them, “Draw some out now, and take it to the master of the feast.” And they took it. When the master of the feast had tasted the water that was made wine, and did not know where it came from (but the servants who had drawn the water knew), the master of the feast called the bridegroom.  And he said to him, “Every man at the beginning sets out the good wine, and when the guests have well drunk, then the inferior. You have kept the good wine until now!” (John 2: 1-10)

 

The story about this wedding in Cana is always a blessing to me. I always wonder what would have hapened if the couple had decided to leave Jesus and his disciples out of their guest list. What would they have done when they ran out of wine? You know running out of wine at the wedding could also be symbolic of running out of wine in the marriage itself. Anyone who has been married knows that wine can run out of any marriage – you suddenly discover that you really do not want him to come near you right now, the laughter seems to have dissappeared, no more dates, flowers are no where to be found, the joy seemed to have just run out… just like wine at the wedding, although we realise that wine has run out suddenly, it really does not happen suddenly. The wine runs out gradually because it is not being replaced, it happens because we have assumed that we have enough – that there is no need to worry about replacement.  The message today however is that regardless of how it happend, this couple had been wise enough or fortunate enough to invite Jesus to their wedding. I encourage you today to invite Jesus into your marriage.

Inviting Jesus is not enough

If you have invited Jesus into your marriage, I salute your wisdom; however I must remind you that inviting Jesus is not enough. You must go to the next level. Whenever there is a problem you need to bring that problem to Jesus. It’s so easy to start your marriage in church and to invite Jesus at the beginning of the marriage but then when the wine runs out we attack each other rather than going to Jesus. We forget that He is able to turn water to wine.  Brother and Sister, when that day comes when you dont know what to do –  before you cry, before you complain remember to ask Jesus.

Asking Jesus is not enough

Many times we do go beyond inviting Jesus. Some of us actually go on to ask for help, but there is something about Jesus that scares us. His instructions are usually different. I would like to highlight 4 characteristics about the instructions that Jesus gives:

  • They are usually quite simple and doable – How hard can it be to put water into the waterpots? And in your relationship, how hard can it be to say the word sorry? How hard can it be to show respect to your spouse. To do the dishes this night without asking your spouse?
  • They may not look reasonable, fashionable or comfortable – Yes although they may be easy to do in terms of the actual action, but many times we are unwilling to do them because of the emotional issues we would have to deal with in other to carry out Christs instructions.
  • They usually look unconnected to the immediate issue
  • However they always bring miraculous results if followed. This is the reason why we must be careful to make sure that whatever He tells us to do we do it.

 

Today my charge to you and to all those who are here today is the charge that Mary the mother of Jesus gave to those people at the wedding. I can only imagine what would have happen if no one gave them this very crucial tip. I guess they would have ignored the instructions like many of us have done in the past. Today dear friends, listen to what Mary the mother of Jesus says. Whatever he tells you to do, do it.

If Jesus tells you to take your spouse out for dinner, please do it. If you need to be quite about a situation that you think you have to speak about, please be quite. Follow the instructions of Christ that He drops in your heart rather than what your emotional reactions wants to do. Your marriage will be strong and robust if you are able to do what Jesus tells you to do. May the blessing of the Lord multiply upon your marriage.

 

Disposable Era, Disposable Marriage?

When I was a little girl we had the nice black and white TV that my dad loved so much. I dont know the story behind how he got this relic but I know that he was so careful about the way we used the TV. This TV had a personal repair man, we call him Uncle Faj., a man very good at what he did. Anytime this TV had a problem, we all knew the next step- book an appointment with Uncle Faj. He will either come home to fix the TV or have us bring it into his store and before you know it, it’s working fine again. We used this TV for so long that my dad was not going to change it for the new color TVs, this one is better he will say, until it became more cost efficient to buy a new one.

Why did I tell you this story? Because I wanted to compare it with the culture we have today predominantly in the western world. Its costs so much to repair any gadget so we are left with little choice when it comes to repairing anything.When your microwave is broken, what do you do? Pay $100 to fix it or pay $100 to buy a new one. While a few older people will prefer to fix the old one, many of us will buy a new one.  Why fix it if I can get a newer model with more capabilities for almost the same price?

The irony of this is that we hardly find repair shops around. No one is attracted to the maintenance and repair related careers. Everyone wants to build something new; everyone wants to be a star.

This might sound like its not a big deal, but it affects our generation more than we know. The same way our gadgets have become disposable, the same way our relationships have become disposable. Whenever there is a misunderstanding in a relationship, the first thought today day is “may be we are not even compatible”. The moment someone says something about their own relationship that you don’t have in yours, you think “my partner is not one of the best around and doesn’t appreciate me, if not why is he not doing so and so for me like it is in every other relationship”. Or when someone says something about your relationship that you don’t like, its like a confirmation in your mind that this is not right and you begin to think of new people that can make you satisfied.

I am not trying to say that its wrong to evaluate your relationship. My question is are you evaluating to confirm your conclusion that your partner is not good or are you evaluating to see ways to maintain and improve your relationship. For a car to work well and last long, it needs to visit the garage for a regular oil change and  sometimes get some tunes ups done. For your marriage to work well and last long, you need to add some regular oil change to your marriage routine. You need to work on your marriage with a maintenance mind set not a disposal mind set.

The idea is not to wait till there is a problem before looking at your option but from the first day of your marriage know that your oil changes are very important and schedule them. This might be:

  • setting a date night once a week or month depending on both your schedules.
  • setting a time to hang out with other couples that are doing well in order to learn from them.
  • attending a marrige workshop once in a while.
  • doing something for your partner with the mind of love not because you need a reward from them…

No one goes out with the mind of purposefully discarding their relationship however, this is what happens when everyone neglects the place of actively working on their marriage. Life has some very genuine distractions: career, children, extended family, church, friend… All these add flavour to each life and are essential but none must take you away from actively investing quality time with the man or woman you fell in love with. Like my Dad’s black and white TV, your marriage needs to have a personal maintenance mentor.

 

How to make your marriage sweeter – men

This is an article I prepared some time ago for a magazine. The article is targeted for men, but a lot of women can benefit from it too. In this article, my aim was to give men some tips on how to keep a good relationship going and to take it to a new level. I appeal to my female readers to bear with my overly masculine undertone. I wanted the men to wake up and make their women happy. Enjoy and give me your feedback.

Take Charge – The Man must be willing to take control of the home, he must be willing to create an atmosphere in which the woman is comfortable to follow him. She wants to be able to relax as if her protector, friend or guide is in charge. It’s the kind of feeling you have when a trusted person is handling your vehicle. You are able to sleep, knowing fully well that you will arrive at the destination safely.  How can this be done practically? By being patient, by reassuring your wife all the time and I guess you can come up with more.

Learn to be Kind – A woman will do anything in the world for you if you put them at ease about their faults; build up their strong points. You need to reach the high level of kindness that says, I love you for who you are. I love you the way you are and I am ever so glad to have you in my life. What I believe most people want, is someone that is willing to take time to know them and after knowing them is willing to accept them just like they are able to accept themselves. If you make it your business to know your wife, and you make up your mind that no matter what you discover, you will help her to be what she wants to be, you will discover a world of happiness and joy known only to few men. What are some of the things your wife does so well? Tell her you notice and you appreciate them.

Start at the Mirror – You must start by working on yourself. If you try to make your spouse better, you will only fail. Can You say 3 or 4 things you plan to do better this week? It is fast becoming common knowledge that if you want to change someone, you change yourself.  Always learn to ask this question – What can I change in me, that will help my darling to be better at _______?  Place whatever you want her to be better at in the blank.

Ask her to help you grow – Be honest with your wife, accept that you are not perfect, ask her to help you be a good husband. And most importantly – MEAN IT. BE READY TO TRY OUT HER ADVICE. The same applies to the wife. It is possible that what she would say will knock you off your feet; However if you are a strong man ready to make your home a paradise on earth, make up your mind that your first reaction to her advice will be thank you. You must not defend yourself or retaliate. Your wife needs to feel that she is needed in your life. She wants to feel indispensable.

Communicate all the time – It’s important that you speak honestly to each other about your inner feelings. Not just things that happen outside but how you feel inside. The way you evaluate the depth of a relationship is how much of the inner thoughts, feelings, fears, ambitions, ideas are being shared. Aim never to have someone closer to you than your spouse. You must learn to listen to your wife. I personally have learnt that my wife does not always say exactly what she wants so I also read her body language. That is why most women always want you to look at them when they are talking. Give her time to express her self and have your undivided attention. Do not be afraid to say your mind about issues.  Don’t assume that it is better to lie to her so that she will not be hurt. She will eventually find out and she will be more hurt.  Aim at being totally honest with your spouse. Communicate often – Be creative and use technology. You don’t need to spend lots of money. I find that spending too much can spoil things sometimes.

If you like it say so – 3 things a husband must do everyday.  Tell her you love her, do something nice for her and pay her a compliment. Tell her how beautiful she looks. Remind her about the part of her body that you love (the fact that you are married does not mean that you are blind!).  Always look for opportunities to make your wife happy.

The Power of Faith – Keep saying good things about your babe. Even when she is not yet perfect in some things, say what you believe she will be. Tell her I believe you will be the best employee at your work this month. I see that you don’t get upset as often as you used to. I see that you are looking more beautiful everyday. Isee that you are such a great wife.

How to tell her what you don’t like? – Begin by telling her what you do like. If you have mastered the habit of telling her what you like, she will expect you to be honest with her about the things you don’t like as well. I suggest however that you always think of a positive way to say what you have to say.

Winning by loosing – Sometimes you need to give in – you will get a better result later. You cannot afford to win every argument. When you learn to loose some and let your wife save face, she will accept later that you were right and she will end up asking for your opinion. If you try to prove to her that you are smarter than her, she will keep trying to out smart you and that’s not as much fun as having her support and she having yours.

Never miss an opportunity to say I love you – Make the special days special. Get an organizer and plug in all the special days. The day you proposed to her (if you remember), your wedding anniversary (check the marriage certificate), Her Birthday (check her drivers license), and any other special days, the day you bought your first home and so on.

I can hardly wait to see you – Let her know you want to have her around you. If you discover that you don’t feel like this, think more about her and the feelings will come back. Spend time talking on the bed at night, be romantic. Be creative, Have fun and let your spouse tell you what fun means to her. Enjoy.

Real Love by Dr. Greg Baer

Real Love: The Truth About Finding Unconditional Love & Fulfilling Relationshipsis a must read for anyone. Dr Baer does an excellent job of articulating what needs to be done to change one’s relationships from being self-centered and frustrating to “other focused” and fulfilling. When I first read this book a few years ago, I immediately ordered a copy for Olu. There are many principles in this book that you may already know or even are practicing but just reading about them and getting them organised will really move you along on your path towards a more fulfilling relationship.

Three things that stood out for me from this book:

  1. Everyone needs unconditional love and they are willing to do anything to get it. If you learn how to love unconditionally you will not only be happy, you will become a source of happiness for the people around you.
  2. If you are not happy in your marriage or other relationship, the problem is not the other. The problem is you! You don’t need others to make you happy
  3. We try to “buy” love by becoming angry, withdrawing, lying or complaining. These actions only get us “imitation love” which is never satisfactory.

Other books by Dr Baer