Celebration of Love

As a follow-up to my article about the dangers of pre-marital sex, in this article I present 5 tips that I have used and others have used to prevent pre-marital sex. However before presenting the tips I would like to give a background to that.

Not having sex outside marriage is the ideal. Most people would agree that it is wrong to have sex with another person when you are married; however the major issue is with sex before marriage. Please read my article on the dangers of pre-marital sex. The tips in this article are mainly for un-engaged couples or those who are not in any relationships. When you get engaged, it’s a different ballgame all together. I will write about that in another article.

1)  Know and understand for yourself that there is no scenario under which pre-marital sex or extra marital sex can be advantageous or acceptable. This is the most important tip in this article and it could be the only one. If you are still trying to “hold-on” based on what your pastor said, what the Bible says or does not say you may find it really hard to wait until you are married. You must examine the issue critically and come to an informed decision that it never pays to express love sexually without an appropriate commitment. You must accept the fact for yourself that marriage is not the wedding but the full commitment of your partner to a life-long relationship. Once you are able to settle this in your heart, the other tips will not only be useful, they will be reasonable. Otherwise, you may as well stop reading because the rest of the article may not make much sense to you.

2) Make your convictions clear from the start of the relationship. Many relationships today are sex based, sex motivated and sex sustained. You need to make it clear to your partner form the beginning of the relationship that you are not looking for sex. You may not need to say it directly, but I can assure you that within a couple of dates, the issue will come up (these days, its usually the 1st or 2nd date) and you must make your position known. If you are the one initiating the relationship, it may be a little (only a little) easier but then you still have to make your intentions clear. What you need to do is develop friendship, show affection in appropriate manner and postpone all other show of affection. The ideal situation will be to find someone who shares the same convictions about pre-marital sex. There are many Christian men and women out there who are willing to wait until marriage before having sex. If you only realized this half way through your already sexually involved relationship, simply discuss the issue and understand that it may not be easy for your partner, but be firm and loving show to your partner that the sex cannot continue. Be prepared for a breakup, but be sure that this breakup was inevitable anyway if that is what it comes to.

3) Center your relationship on God. If you want your relationship to last and grow deeper over the years, start it based on God and godly principles. For this to be possible, you have to have the same religious beliefs. A “born-again” Christian should only plan and aim at marrying another “born-again” Christian. Actually, I can only imagine how hard and frustrating it will be for a person who claims to have totally surrendered their life to God through Jesus Christ, to be married to someone who doesn’t care about this same God. This point is usually very obvious to the one who has committed their lives to God for a Life-long relationship and so I will not elaborate more on this at this point.

4) Don’t start anything that you can’t finish. Don’t start kissing if you know you won’t have sex. Don’t start having internet or phone sex when you know you can’t finish it. Let the relationship be about knowing each other better. Spend time together talking about each other, playing games, reading the Bible, praying, attending conferences and other things. In your marriage you will spend more time doing regular everyday things and it is more important to know how your partner is in everyday life than to know how he or she is in bed. Dedicate most of the first few months of your relationship to discovering the habits, likes and dislikes of your partner. Don’t just assume you know because they said so. Most people do not even notice their own mannerisms.

5) Don’t tempt yourself. This point is the flip side of the previous point. Your partner may be stronger than you and they may want to do a few things that you find too tempting, so I advice you not to do anything to increase the temptation. Meet in open places and always make sure that you are not in a room alone without a possibility of someone walking in. If you are living alone, its not a great idea to have sleep-overs or late night visits. Things are a lot easier once the boundaries have been drawn and you both know that at this point you are only trying to get to know each other.

Many people have asked me why sex before marriage is such a big problem? They say something like this: “If two people love each other, why should they wait until they are married before having sex?”. The question looks reasonable at first, however when you think about it, you realize that what is happening to us today, is that people are generally not willing to pay for what they want. People want to be rich without working, they want to be famous without hard work, they want to get everything free. However, the truth is that Nothing is Free. The fact that you did not pay for it does not mean that it was not paid for. You may get it free, but someone paid the price. Now what I think people are asking is this. Why do I have to be committed to a relationship before I get all the benefits of commitment? When you look at it like that, you see why sex before marriage is dangerous. It’s like selling your house with the hope that you will sign the contracts at a later date. Here are 5 reasons why this is a dangerous idea. I believe that everything that God calls a sin is called a sin because it is destructive to us and to the general well-being of the created universe. So in this article I am presenting the reasons why sex before marriage is dangerous and hence sinful.

1) It is not the will of God for us: There is no explicit statement in the Bible that you must not have sex before you get married. However there are several scriptures that draw our attention to the fact that it is not the will of God. Read Exodus 22:16 -17; Deut 22:13 - 21; 1 Cor. 6:16-18; 1Cor. 7:1-2, 8-9;Heb 13:4; 1 Tim 5:2. The ideal that God has in mind for us is to be virgins before we get married. In fact when you read the Bible, you will get a sense that sexual intercourse is like the seal or the final stage in the process of getting married. So to have sex with someone that you are not married to is going outside the will of God for your life. It is sexual immorality and it is a sin.

2) It can easily become the reason for your relationship: Sex, was not created to be worshiped. It is not the goal of any relationship. The relationship itself is far more important than the sex. God’s glory is supposed to be the reason and foundation of any relationship. However, when 2 people meet and all they can think about is when they can get into bed, there is a problem with that relationship. You will notice that, everything is such a relationship will be designed to make eventually lead up to sex. This kind of relationship is what I call an inverted relationship doomed for failure. When you are in this relationship you say what you need to say, and do what you need to do so that you can progress along the path towards sexual intimacy. Eventually, issues that need to be addressed are not addressed and the relationship breaks down.

3) It leads to Adultery or sexual infidelity: Sex is supposed to be the most intimate activity that any two individuals can engage in. It is supposed to be reserved for that one person with whom one intends to spend the rest of their lives. The rebellious nature of humanity and the constant desire of the forces of darkness to frustrate us and cause us pain has deceived us to make this sacred activity into a frivolous activity. When sex is taken for granted like this, you discover that even when people are committed to one another, they go ahead to cheat on their spouses. Many homes are broken and children are suffering because of unfaithful husbands and wives. Many relationships end as soon as the couple have sex for a couple times, because one of them is bored and wants to try other people. This is such a sad situation. It is sad because many of the young people today, were brought up in home where sexual immorality has destroyed the homes and they are prone to making the same mistakes.

4) It delays the benefits of total surrender and commitment to one’s spouse: When a couple has been sexually active during their relationship before getting married, they are usually not so keen on getting married. They keep postponing and procrastinating, because they are not able to think clearly anymore, or they have begun to see things that they don’t like but are afraid to be honest with each other. Nobody wants to be called a player. Or blamed for leaving a relationship soon after sex entered into the picture. So the spouse that is open to more commitment suffers for a while hoping that the relationship will work, while the one who wants to leave the relationship enjoys free sex and even gets paid to have free sex, because the partner that want the relationship to work will be working hard to impress the other partner. Why not just do things they right way. Make sure that both parties are committed, spend time together, meet with friends and if things are still going very well for at least one year of serious commitment, then go ahead get married and seal it with sex on the wedding night.

As I wrote earlier, sex is simply a very intimate way of communicating. You need to have something to say before you communicate. Sex say - “I love you with all my heart, I am happy I am one with you, let me be in you and you in me forever”. Now I think this kind of communication is only appropriate between a husband and a wife.

5) It reduces the level of trust between the couple: It is a blessing for a couple to discover that both of them are virgins on their wedding night. It was the norm a couples of centuries back, but now it a such a rare thing. I wish we can have more of this, because I believe it would be a blessing to this world if people learn to follow the will of God for their lives in this regard and in all regards. When you know that your spouse was a virgin until marriage and that you were unable to convince each other to try it out before the wedding, it helps both of you to trust each other. I do not intend to say that people who are virgin on their wedding day do not cheat on their spouses, I am simply saying that it boosts your trust in each other as opposed to having sex before the marriage.

There are many other points that can be derived from these initial points, and I encourage you to think about them. If you have been involved in pre-marital sex, are you still with the man you had sex with? If you have chosen to live your life to glorify God, why not go all the way and enjoy the blessings that God has prepared for you within a Christian Marriage. No one can force you to wait until your wedding day. And so also no one can give you the joy and blessings that are lost when you choose to follow your own ideas rather than God’s Ideal.

Even if you are not a virgin, you can still enjoy the blessings of God. Our God is merciful, he forgives because of the blood of Jesus. Simply ask for God’s forgiveness and choose not to continue in your folly. You will soon start to enjoy the respect and love that you deserve as a child of God. I have never met anyone that said that the regretted waiting until marriage to have sex. There are many people who wish they have waited because they have been with so many people and have been sexually active only for the relationship to break.

It may not be easy but God can help you: I have heard many men say that there are no virgins above the age of 18yrs. That is not true; there are very many people who are virgins (never had sexual intercourse) and many who are not virgins but since they received forgiveness of sins through Christ Jesus, they have remained sexually inactive (virgins in Christ). It is not by self effort that you will do it especially if you have been sexually active before now, it is simply by trusting in the grace and power of God to do it in you. Do not be worried, just believe in God.
I will love to answer your questions, please send your questions to ade@yourloveismine.com.

I hear many people saying that they are looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend, however I hardly hear people saying that they are looking for a wife or husband. I wonder why. It maybe that, they think that you have to have a boyfriend or girlfriend before they become a wife or husband. If that is the case, then it is understandable, because technically they are actually looking for a spouse. But if they are simply looking for a girlfriend or boyfriend, then I think they are exposing themselves to the danger I call the “danger chasing shadows”.

I believe that what everyone is secretly or openly craving for is intimacy. We seem to all want to find someone with whom we can be real. Someone who would not judge us, someone who will laugh at our jokes and even when they are not funny, laugh at the fact that our jokes are not funny. We all crave for someone before whom we can make mistakes and not be ashamed. Someone who will be faithful to us and to whom we can be faithful. We all crave to have someone whom we can help, in whose life we can be of value, to whose life we can make a contribution. We want someone with whom we never need to compete, whose success is our success and whose failure is ours as well. Someone with whom we can cry and laugh. We all long to be loved and to love. I believe that we can find this kind of love and not only that, we can enjoy this kind of love.

I have met so many people recently who have said that they do not believe in marriage. However I am yet to find someone who would say they do not believe in love. Maybe there are a few out there, but personally I have never met anyone like that. In the original definition of marriage, it is simply the union of a man and woman with the aim of sharing the type of love I described above. The marriage is the union not the celebration of it. In discussing with people (funny enough the majority are women), who say they do not believe in marriage, I found that what they are revolting or reacting against is not marriage but wedding. They seem to be saying that, they do not want to go through the ceremony or get the marriage certificate. But really what I hear them saying is that, marriage is no longer what is is supposed to be. It has become a prison, a place of hurt and punishment. To them it looks like a dark place. From what they have seen, experienced from parents and friends and read in the press; it is better not to go near it at all. So my conclusion therefore is that, people are not against marriage, they are against what marriage has become - a celebration that leads to pain, hurt, shame and many fearful stuff.

It is my pleasure to share with all my readers that a good marriage is a gift from God and EVERYONE can have a good marriage. I know most people would think that I am a little too bold in saying EVERYONE can have a good marriage. Well, that is what I believe and it is what the Bible teaches and if you examine the facts, you may come to a similar conclusion.

POITION YOURSELF FOR THE GIFT
The first principle that I want you to consider is that, a good marriage is a gift from God. Now no one can work for a gift, otherwise it is no more a gift. However, one can position themselves to receive a gift. It is still a gift, because what you did (position yourself) is nothing compared to what you get - the gift. Now the reason I believe many believers are not getting the gift of a good spouse is because, they position themselves like non-believers. As a believer, you must learn to position yourself to receive from God. The reason why you are called a believer is because you are assumed to believe in God. In other words, you cannot get a good spouse if you do not believe that you can get one. God can and is interested in giving you a good spouse. The problem with most people is that they do not believe that there are good spouses out there for them. I have always thought that the major reason for this is because they have been over exposed to failures in relationships. Nevertheless, you must believe that you can get a good spouse. This is the place to start from. Unless you believe this, you can’t go any further. If you believe that you can get a good spouse, then please read on and you will surely get a good spouse.

ASK GOD FOR A SPOUSE
The next principle I want you to consider is that you can ask for a gift. If God is interested in giving you a good spouse and you believe that you are a Christian (by that I mean a person who has decided to live their entire life for the glory of God), then go ahead and ask your father, your Lord and your God for a good spouse.. I think for those who have committed their lives to God fully (those who love the Lord with all their hearts), it is more important to God that you have a good spouse that even you desire it for yourself. If God loves us so much, God can only desire the very best life for us. If we are living to bring glory to God, God can only desire that we do it as best as we can, so God will be committed to giving us the best help that we need. Therefore God is interested in giving us or leading us to a good spouse. Have you asked for a good spouse? Or are you still chasing shadows? Stop being fixated on one man or woman. Ask God for a good spouse and God will give you the best spouse you can ever have.

LEARN TO TRUST GOD
The next principle I would like you to consider is trusting the Lord after asking. When you ask for a gift from someone who you know has the gift. All you have to do is wait as soon as you know that the person is willing to give the gift to you. I find many of my brothers and sisters in the Lord, asking God for a spouse and still remain worried. That simply shows that you do not believe that God is willing or able to give you a good spouse. In other to overcome this lack of trust, you need to spend time studying God (in the Bible) and in prayers (including worship). The more intimate you get with God, the more you will trust Him and the more your faith increases. There is no magic or prayers that can be done to automatically increase your faith. You have to spend time knowing God so that you can trust Him. In my personal experience, I found that it was while doing this third principle that I located my wife. I did not know that she was my wife at that time but it was while developing my intimacy with God that Olu came into my life and our friendship matured into marriage. I give all glory and thanks to the Lord for that.

BE A GOOD SPOUSE
Another Principle that we must consider is the principle of being a good spouse yourself. Since God will not give His beloved daughter or son to a person who will traumatize him or her, you must be committed to becoming a good spouse before you can ever get a good spouse from God. This principle is very related to the previous principle but it is not the same. However, it should naturally flow from the previous principle. As you begin to develop an intimacy with God, you will discover that God will be showing you all the mess in your life. You will see how selfish, proud, insensitive, foolish and weak you really are. You will notice all these so clearly, because you will be comparing yourself with God’s standard not other humans. As soon as this begins to happen, be committed to changing and becoming more like Christ. It is as you allow the Lord to change you, that you become more and more like Christ. As you are being transformed, you will become more attractive to people who love God and you will be attracted to such people as well.

LEARN TO LOVE PEOPLE
The final principle to be considered is that of loving people unconditionally. Marriage is about unconditional love. This kind of love is more than a feeling. It may start with or without a strong emotional attraction, but the bottom line is that, what the other person does or did in the past does not take anything away from the love. The way a person behaves to you, may determine the way you respond to them, but it does not have to determine whether you want what is best for them or not. So I encourage you to start learning to love people just because they are God’s wonderful creatures. Look at the people that God has put in your life, find someone who is already positive towards you (this is important because you don’t want to fail at the beginning), and just CHOOSE to always love them. Decide in your heart that no matter what they do, you will always think and act in their best interest. Even in certain situations when their best interest may conflict with your best interest, decide that in such situations you will think and act in the best interest of the general community. You would do what you would want them to do if they were in your shoes. In all these, always ask the Lord for help. Whenever you catch yourself acting selfishly, repent and keep going.

CONCLUSION
There are many more principles involved in getting a god spouse, the few I have outlined above will get you started and you can pick up more by yourself as you go along. If you believe that you can be a good spouse and you can get a good spouse, then its just a matter of time, you will be celebrating God’s gift in your life like I am and many others.

I think what I am going to do with this blog is share some of my experiences with you so that you can take what you need to take and I can be free to share. Also I would be willing to share your questions and my opinion on them if you want me to do so. I will open up our relationship to you as much as is safe for us.

Love is a very interesting topic to discuss. In my next post I will begin to share the story behind Olu and I. I think our union is a blessing from God and I believe what I have to share with you will bless you. Olu and I have been getting closer since we got married in August 2004 and I know it will still get a lot better, but I wonder how that will be. I wonder because what we have right now is beautiful I can only imagine what 20yrs down the road would be.

This is an article I prepared some time ago for a magazine. The article is targeted for men, but a lot of women can benefit from it too. In this article, my aim was to give men some tips on how to keep a good relationship going and to take it to a new level. I appeal to my female readers to bear with my overly masculine undertone. I wanted the men to wake up and make their women happy. Enjoy and give me your feedback.

Take Charge
The Man must be willing to take control of the home, he must be willing to create an atmosphere in which the woman is comfortable to follow him. She wants to be able to relax as if her protector, father, guide is in charge. It’s the kind of feeling you have when a trusted person is handling your vehicle. You are able to sleep, knowing fully well that you will arrive at the destination safely. How can this be done practically? By being patient, be reassuring your wife all the time and I guess you can come up with more

Learn to be Kind
A woman will do anything in the world for you if you put them at ease about their faults; build up their strong points. You need to reach the high level of kindness that says, I love you for who you are. I love you the way you are and I am ever so glad to have you in my life. What I believe most people want, is someone that is willing to take time to know them and after knowing them is willing to accept them just like they are able to accept themselves. If you make it your business to know your wife, and you make up your mind that no matter what you discover, you will help her to be what she wants to be, you will discover a world of happiness and joy known only to few men. What are some of the things you wife does so well? Tell her you notice and you appreciate them.

Start at the Mirror
You must start by working on yourself. If you try to make your spouse better, you will only fail. Can you say 3 or 4 things you plan to do better this week? It is fast becoming common knowledge that if you want to change someone, you change yourself. Always learn to ask this question – What can I change in me, that will help my darling to be better at _______? Place whatever you want her to be better at in the blank.

Ask her to help you grow
Be honest with your wife, accept that you are not perfect, ask her to help you be a good husband. And most importantly – MEAN IT. BE READY TO TRY OUT HER ADVICE.  The same applies to the wife. Now be ready for the shock of your life. However if you are a strong man ready to make your home a paradise on earth. Make up your mind that your first reaction to her advice will be thank you. You must not defend yourself or retaliate.  Your wife needs to feel that she is needed in your life. She wants to feel indispensable.

Communicate all the time
It’s important that you speak honestly to each other about your inner feelings. Not just things that happen outside but how you feel inside. The way you evaluate the depth of a relationship is how much of the inner thoughts, feelings, fears, ambitions, ideas are being shared. Aim never to have someone closer to you than your spouse.  You must learn to listen to your wife. I personally have learnt that my wife does not always say exactly what she wants so I also read her body language. That is why most women always want you to look at them when they are talking. Give her time when she can express her self and have you undivided attention. Do not be afraid to say your mind about issues. Don’t assume that it is better to lie to her so that she will not be hurt. She will eventually find out and she will be more hurt. Aim at being totally honest with your spouse. Communicate often – Be creative, use technology you don’t need to spend lots of money. I find that spending too much can spoil things sometimes.

If you like it say so
3 things a husband must do everyday. Tell her you love her, do something nice for her and pay her a compliment. Tell her how beautiful she looks. Remind her about the part of her body that you love (the fact that you are married does not mean that you are blind). Always look for opportunities to make your wife happy.

The Power of  Faith
Keep saying good things about your babe. Even when she is not yet perfect in some things, say what you believe she will be. Tell her I believe you will be the best employee at your work this month. I see that you don’t get upset as often as you used to. I see that you are looking more beautiful everyday. I see that you are such a great wife.

How to tell her what you don’t like?
Begin by telling her what you do like. If you have mastered the habit of telling her what you like, she will expect you to be honest with her about the things you don’t like as well. I suggest however that you always think of a positive way to say what you have to say.

Winning by loosing
Sometimes you need to give in – you will get a better result later. You cannot afford to win every argument. When you learn to loose some and let your wife save face, she will accept later that you were right and she will end up asking for your opinion. If you try to prove to her that you are smarter than her, she will keep trying to out smart you and that’s not as much fun as having her support and she having yours.

Never miss an opportunity to say I love you
Make the special days special. Get an organizer and plug in all the special days. The day you proposed if you remember, your wedding anniversary (check the marriage certificate), Her Birthday (check her drivers license), and any other special days, the day you bought your first home and so on.

I can hardly wait to see you.
Let her know you want to have her around you. If you discover that you don’t feel like this, think more about her and the feelings will come back. Spend time talking on the bed at night, be romantic. Be creative, Have fun and let your spouse tell you what fun means to her. Enjoy.