Before Tying The Knot Series Archives

Too Late To Fix?

Every day I meet with couples that are struggling in their relationship. They understood each other a while back but along the line, things happen that they stop trying to cultivate their relationships. The same love birds that could not do without each other prior to marriage get to a point that they cant even stand each other. What happened, is this really the end of this relationship? Is it too late to put in efforts to this relationship.

I know that each case is different and it might be ambiguous to say that its not too late, also considering a relationship with two people that are God fearing, you would think that God being the center of each life would help each person to see their wrong but usually this is not the case.

Hence, I really love to look at this a bit more critically. Why do people give up on their marriage?

Familiarity

The first point here is what is known as closeness. Two people get so close to each other that they stop working hard at loving each other. They take things for granted. ” He knows I love him, I don’t need to do anything special to let him know”. This is one of the biggest killers in Christian marriages.

Two new lovers will work hard at proving their love to each other before they tie the knot and they would really bring out the best in each other. He wants her happy all the times and she does the same. Lots of pleasant surprises and gifts are in such relationships at the beginning which gradually diminishes as time goes on.

If your relationship is gradually sleeping into the state of coma, I want to ask you a question. Why is this so? Life got in the way? Children? work? Extended family? sickness, fear? So many things could have been responsible. You need to figure out what came into your marriage, that might equip you to deal with the issue.

Bitterness

Another problem in relationships is the past hurts. Many people are not able to look pass and forgive the other or themselves for whatever happened in the past. They say they have forgiven themselves but they act as if they have not. And so because of the hurt that is deep down, they are not able to see present actions with clear lens.

The best way to deal with this is to thing about your spouse or look at them. What emotions do you feel on the inside? Do you feel sad, mad, angry, sick, scared, pain, weak? Take stock of what you have on the inside and surrender that to God. Let God guide you into forgiveness and dealing with the root of bitterness.

Impossibilities

In other cases, the one partner is doing something that needs to change. The one spouse complains so bad that but there is no results or changes. They seek help together but no results. Many people go into marriage with an assurance of being able to change their spouse. They might not say it like that but they have that as the foundation of their relationship. Many even give themselves the conditions that upon changing him or her we will be able to get married.

Many of this cases have been there before the marriage. An example is one that drinks casually before marriage and then becomes an addict after. Usually he didn’t plan to be this way but he has had this issue before in his past and stress of life brought him back to the state of being a drunk.

Wrong Foundation

Many relationships started with lies as the foundation. For a family to prosper, there must be full truth, whether by behavior or by what is said. When there is the case of lies, trust must be built over again. The spouse on the receiving end must help his or her spouse to be able to speak their minds. The reason people lie is fear. ” If I tell the truth, they will never love me”

The list goes on why people choose not to make any further attempt to fix their marriage. Some times this will become a temporary state of things and others more permanent in state. However, God is able to repair every broken pieces that you have. Your mess in God’s hands becomes a message that can turn many to you.

You can begin to trust in the Lord with all your life including your relationship. He will tell you what to do. Then begin to do them and trust God to transform lives including yours. First thing is that you will notice that Your heart is open to love your spouse again. As this happens, you begin to see him or her as the person you fell in love with. Or you will find this amazing love that melts your heart towards him/her.

I pray that your relationship will grow in the Lord. Keep looking out for ways to build each other up and how to help each other and not yourself.

God bless.

Just Pretend

I was in the kitchen cooking and my amazing boys were running around pretending to be super heroes. My 5 yrs old leading and my 2 yr old doing every single thing his brother does or says.

They were both pretending to be the famous Buzz Light Year from the Toy Story Series. They passed by every now and then reciting Buzz’s favorite phrase; “Buzz Light Year, to the rescue!” Every now and then they got my attention and all I needed to do was to simply smile or acknowledge them somehow.

Then my 5yr old dashed into the kitchen and said the phrase again but this time he added, ‘is there any emergency?’ I was still trying to decide what to say when he added: ‘Just pretend’ then I knew I just needed to play along.

I quickly made up an emergency situation: “my cat is stuck on the tree”. Oh that no problem, He said, climbing the imaginary tree, my little Hero rescued the cat, gave her back to me and saved the day. And of course the 3 of us had a celebratory shout. And they dashed back into the hallway for more emergency situations.

After they left I could not get the phrase”just pretend” off my mind. And then I know I needed to write this article.

We all learn to pretend from very early ages and we get abundant opportunities to do it hence, we do it so well. In fact, millions of people make fortunes pretending. The film industry is a multimillion dollar industry today because we are amused by looking at someone that has mastered the act of pretending. I cannot count the number of time I have cried watching a movie. As long as the acting is good and I am able to feel the story, I cry. Sometimes when watching a good movie alone, with no distraction, I might even wail. This happened to me while watching the Courageous movie for the first time-good movie.

However, as we watch other people pretending we tend to do the same. We try to show only what we think others will find interesting and cover the rest which most times is our true self. Can you count how many times you have pretended not to be sad, angry, anxious or sick?

For instance there are things you might not fully understand about God, but you just pretend to be knowledgeable, you will get by and even others will hail you for it. So many jokes you don’t understand, but if you just pretend you do, in order not to look stupid in public.

You will save yourself a heart break if you don’t pretend to be enjoying real love from the guy you are hanging out with, pretending to others that he is crazy about you though He maltreats you. Don’t stay in a relationship to impress others. Are you impressed?

Don’t pretend to care about nature just to get her to love you. Be yourself and you will be glad that if she falls in love with the ‘boring you’ she will never fall out of love later on. Pretending requires more of your time and energy. You need some to plan what to do and then another to do. But if you are real, you simply need to naturally be. Don’t waste your life thinking about. Don’t alter your personality to suit another person.

You will be surprised that the people you are trying to please are not so concerned about you but themselves. So why waste your God given personality and become another? You can be real and you can be you.

Before each action, especially when dealing with people, ask yourself this question: Why am I doing this? And then try to find the answer. You might not find it easy at first but it will change over time. After many attempts it will become part of your subconscious to not do things just to get other people to acknowledge you.

Don’t pretend, be sincere. Be real with your spouse, children, friends and family….Be real with yourself.

Questions To Ask Each Other Before Marriage

Its midnight here now and I cant put these thought off my mind. This would help anyone in a premarital relationship.

Now that you found someone you like, you have the butterfly thing going, now what? People say its good to get to know each other before you start planning a wedding but how?

The following questions would guide your conversations. This is not meant to be done all-at-once and definitely not like an interview. But if you know the answer to most of these question you can say that you know the person to a large extent.

Your personal faith

Do you believe in God?
What kind of relationship do you have with God
Would you want me to help you understand God better? How?
What do you think God’s plan for your life is and how would I come in?
Are you committed to any religious organisation

Your background

How present was your boilogical father while you were growin up?
What kind of relationship did/ do you have with your bilogical Mom
Are there other persons (man/woman) that play these crucial roles in your life
How many siblings do you have, where are they and what do they do.
Do you have any important extended family member that is very important to you, why?
How did you grow up, did you have sleep overs, vacations, home school, field trips, camps…
Was God a part of your family while your were growing up

Education

What was your favourite high school subject and why
Are you done with formal education or not
What other educational process would you want to take on.

Career

Is the job you have now your desired job
if you had all the money you need to pay your bills for the next 3 yrs what would you be doing?
Are you a career oriented person
Do you think you will work till age 65
What brings meaning to your life?
How do you find the people you work with

Sexual

What do you know about sex
Would you love abstinence before marriage
How do you think we can achieve that
Have you ever hurt someone’s feelings emotionally
Did you settle the issue with them
Do you have children from past relationships, how often do you see your child

Financial

Do you have any major debt
How much do you make annually
Do you give to any charitable organization
What’s your ideal income level? Huge and enough to live a normal life

Some Final Extra Questions

How long do you think you will stay longer in the city you live in
Do you like travelling
Would you love to go on a mission trip, where

I will love to stop here to rest my eyes for the day. I will try to add to the list later.

Living Arrangements

By the power vested on me, I now pronounce you man and wife…. “lots of excitements in the air… but will she be moving over to my place after this or what? I guess this is not the right time to discuss this with her”. These were thoughts in a grooms mind as he walked his bride off the isle. He is right, this is not the right time. Many people go into marriage with many issues unresolved.

Many couples avoid major discussion in order to maintain the peace but there are some issues that are better ironed out prior to the wedding. It will be fair for your spouse to know for example that you dont intend to leave your current city because of your job. The foundation of a marriage as in a building is very crucial, it determine the strength and durability of the structure that goes on top.

No couple is perfect in their communication with each other at least not at the beginning, you have to start somewhere. You can leave major issues till you feel you know each other better. Your knowledge of each other is bound to increase with your level of communication. Many of the problems in the marriage, if addressed prior to the wedding, could have reduced the tension on the marriage.

Each individual has their view points about issues based on their personalities, trainings and experiences. And many get married without taking time to understand their partners views about peculiar issues like what will our living arrangement be after the wedding. “Lets just get married and we will get to know each other as we go”. There is a huge danger here hence many marriages suffer in the first few years, others dont even survive.

Some individuals love change, but some find it hard to change even a small routine they are used to. A good job, a nice church family, extended family and many more are reasons why someone might find it hard to want to move to where the spouse leaves.

Many couples spend hours planning the details of their wedding day but little or no time planning goes to the life after. How would our lives be after we get married, where will we settle down, how long would we both keep our present jobs after marriage, when do we start having children, how many children would we love to have and many more questions stay in the air unanswered.

Its normal to be attached to your career especially if you are passionate about what you do and it took you so long to get to this level. The best way to work together is to open mindedly ask your self this question: How can we blend our lives together the best possible way. List some options you have. And discuss the advantages and disadvantages of each option. Then choose one together after much deliberation and considerations. This process will help you see your partners views about the issue. For minor issues this can be done over lunch and for major ones take your time and pray about it together as well. There is safety in planning.

Are you planning to get married soon? We are glad you are reading this. Have you both taken time to discuss what you would love after the wedding and find ways to blend your plan together? Fear is the driving force in many relationships -fear of the unknown. You need to protect this gift of love that you have both being given by not allowing what you do to be affected by fear. Fear has destroyed many homes and you will do your self good by learning to deal with fear from this early stage. Being scared of sharing your mind will give him a wrong impression of you. After a while you will be tired of hiding your own opinion and then he will have to choose whether he likes you really or not. Many marriages are stressed today because of some undisclosed opinions.

In order to have a lovely family and safe haven to train wonderful children I want to say that its important to take time to share your minds with each other whether you are married or soon to be. You need to grow in your communication with each other.

It might make sense to live apart for a few more months depending on the possibilities on new jobs or issues concerning the immigration status of each parties. When two people come together in marriage God says they become one. Apart from the physical oneness of consummation, there is the part of them becoming one in unity. This does not happen in a day. They need to consciously work towards becoming one.

Each spouse grew up independent of the other and usually has mastered ways of living that suit him or her. Then someone else comes along that leave dirty dishes on the table, dirty socks on the floor, books on the sofa… Because of these differences couples find it easier to live apart from each other on a regular basis. She prefers that he stays away 4-6months in a year in order to avoid having to explain her every move.

The way God planned marriage is that the man and his wife would be one in every sense of it. Helping each other be the best that God made them for. Sometimes it will mean letting go of some standards, freedom, culture, ideas… in order to accommodate your spouse. Spouses need to share their plans and purpose with each other in details (as much as you know). Then consider ways that you could help your spouse achieve his or her purpose, this way you will be merging your goals together. Let your communication be effective. Be open minded in every discussion. Listen with the aim of understanding your spouses point of view not with the aim of letting him understand yours. If each person can see communication like this, many couple will understand each other better and the rate of stress in marriages will reduce drastically.

If for some reason there comes a time in your marriage when you have to be apart for a while. You should enjoy the time alone and cultivate a vibrant long distance relationship with your spouse to the point where you cant wait to see each other. Let your long distance relationship be rich in affection, respect and communication. The man is the head of the home, in order words he is the one God holds responsible for the success of every part of the marriage. The wife should keep the space of the head for the man and ultimately God’s place must be obvious in your marriage. If God is the head of your life, He will be the head of your marriage and yours will be heaven on earth.

Are you married? Do you live in different cities from your spouse? Or are you often away from each other due to career modalities? Are your work schedule so opposite like he works in the day and you work at nights? Is this God’s plan for you? Is there a way to improve your marriage even in this state? Allow God to show you how to grow in unity as a couple discuss the issues that come up with open minds.

The kind of relationship that you have will determine the way your children will see marriage.

God bless you.