By the power vested on me, I now pronounce you man and wife…. “lots of excitements in the air… but will she be moving over to my place after this or what? I guess this is not the right time to discuss this with her”. These were thoughts in a grooms mind as he walked his bride off the isle. He is right, this is not the right time. Many people go into marriage with many issues unresolved.
Many couples avoid major discussion in order to maintain the peace but there are some issues that are better ironed out prior to the wedding. It will be fair for your spouse to know for example that you dont intend to leave your current city because of your job. The foundation of a marriage as in a building is very crucial, it determine the strength and durability of the structure that goes on top.
No couple is perfect in their communication with each other at least not at the beginning, you have to start somewhere. You can leave major issues till you feel you know each other better. Your knowledge of each other is bound to increase with your level of communication. Many of the problems in the marriage, if addressed prior to the wedding, could have reduced the tension on the marriage.
Each individual has their view points about issues based on their personalities, trainings and experiences. And many get married without taking time to understand their partners views about peculiar issues like what will our living arrangement be after the wedding. “Lets just get married and we will get to know each other as we go”. There is a huge danger here hence many marriages suffer in the first few years, others dont even survive.
Some individuals love change, but some find it hard to change even a small routine they are used to. A good job, a nice church family, extended family and many more are reasons why someone might find it hard to want to move to where the spouse leaves.
Many couples spend hours planning the details of their wedding day but little or no time planning goes to the life after. How would our lives be after we get married, where will we settle down, how long would we both keep our present jobs after marriage, when do we start having children, how many children would we love to have and many more questions stay in the air unanswered.
Its normal to be attached to your career especially if you are passionate about what you do and it took you so long to get to this level. The best way to work together is to open mindedly ask your self this question: How can we blend our lives together the best possible way. List some options you have. And discuss the advantages and disadvantages of each option. Then choose one together after much deliberation and considerations. This process will help you see your partners views about the issue. For minor issues this can be done over lunch and for major ones take your time and pray about it together as well. There is safety in planning.
Are you planning to get married soon? We are glad you are reading this. Have you both taken time to discuss what you would love after the wedding and find ways to blend your plan together? Fear is the driving force in many relationships -fear of the unknown. You need to protect this gift of love that you have both being given by not allowing what you do to be affected by fear. Fear has destroyed many homes and you will do your self good by learning to deal with fear from this early stage. Being scared of sharing your mind will give him a wrong impression of you. After a while you will be tired of hiding your own opinion and then he will have to choose whether he likes you really or not. Many marriages are stressed today because of some undisclosed opinions.
In order to have a lovely family and safe haven to train wonderful children I want to say that its important to take time to share your minds with each other whether you are married or soon to be. You need to grow in your communication with each other.
It might make sense to live apart for a few more months depending on the possibilities on new jobs or issues concerning the immigration status of each parties. When two people come together in marriage God says they become one. Apart from the physical oneness of consummation, there is the part of them becoming one in unity. This does not happen in a day. They need to consciously work towards becoming one.
Each spouse grew up independent of the other and usually has mastered ways of living that suit him or her. Then someone else comes along that leave dirty dishes on the table, dirty socks on the floor, books on the sofa… Because of these differences couples find it easier to live apart from each other on a regular basis. She prefers that he stays away 4-6months in a year in order to avoid having to explain her every move.
The way God planned marriage is that the man and his wife would be one in every sense of it. Helping each other be the best that God made them for. Sometimes it will mean letting go of some standards, freedom, culture, ideas… in order to accommodate your spouse. Spouses need to share their plans and purpose with each other in details (as much as you know). Then consider ways that you could help your spouse achieve his or her purpose, this way you will be merging your goals together. Let your communication be effective. Be open minded in every discussion. Listen with the aim of understanding your spouses point of view not with the aim of letting him understand yours. If each person can see communication like this, many couple will understand each other better and the rate of stress in marriages will reduce drastically.
If for some reason there comes a time in your marriage when you have to be apart for a while. You should enjoy the time alone and cultivate a vibrant long distance relationship with your spouse to the point where you cant wait to see each other. Let your long distance relationship be rich in affection, respect and communication. The man is the head of the home, in order words he is the one God holds responsible for the success of every part of the marriage. The wife should keep the space of the head for the man and ultimately God’s place must be obvious in your marriage. If God is the head of your life, He will be the head of your marriage and yours will be heaven on earth.
Are you married? Do you live in different cities from your spouse? Or are you often away from each other due to career modalities? Are your work schedule so opposite like he works in the day and you work at nights? Is this God’s plan for you? Is there a way to improve your marriage even in this state? Allow God to show you how to grow in unity as a couple discuss the issues that come up with open minds.
The kind of relationship that you have will determine the way your children will see marriage.
God bless you.