Marriage Seminars or books cannot change your marriage

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It’s been a while since we posted a rhyming here! As we all say from time to time – we’ve been busy! 

I had a friend ask me about writing a book on marriage recently! That got me thinking. Should I write a book? Will a book help my friends, family and church family members? Will it help their friends? The answer is yes IF they are willing to change! 

That is a big IF! You must be willing to change before any book or seminar can help you. You must be willing to say that you are wrong in some ways! That you have failed in some things. That you are ignorant about certain things before a book or seminar can help you!

Are you ready to change? Do you want to be happier in your life? Are you ready to keep working on your relationships even when you don’t see immediate results? If you answers yes to those questions, you are ready to change your marriage! Even is all you can do right now is have an open mind. Being ready to acknowledge your mistakes and shortcomings when you are confronted by them. You are in a good place!

Your choices and actions are what will change your marriage. Your humility and attitude will help a lot. The information you will read from this blog will help you make some decisions. If you make the right decisions and continue to make them, you will have a sweeter marriage and a more joyful life.

Weekly (at least once), I will share a few tips or answer some questions on relationships! I know this will help! I pray you take action on the tips as God gives you grace! I pray I also will receive grace to take action on my own stuff too! 


A kiss, a hug or a clean heart?

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How do you welcome your spouse home?

One day my boys got me thinking…. My best friend and darling husband came home and as usual they ran to greet him.  ‘How come I don’t do this all the time’, I asked myself.  I hardly ever welcome him home the way the boys do. I am usually in the middle of something when he gets home. I am a queen at running the home show and am always busy running the show… so whenever he got back, I usually don’t stop to give him huge welcome home like my little men. Dinner needs to be concluded.  The boys on the other hand, super excited,  drops everything to get his hug, sometimes which means getting out of bed to say welcome Daddy. Its really fun to see.

Back in the days, when my responsibilities at home were lighter, I would try to. However, even then, I was not so religious about it. After questioning myself on this very day, the first thought was “just do it, that’s what a good wife would do”,  I promised myself to appreciate my dear husband with a huge kiss as he returns home at the end of each day. I noticed thereafter that some days I do and some other days I completely forget. Why? I believe its because I wasnt exposed to kisser parents. So I formed my ideals about this around what I was used to. Even though I still try to, I find myself naturally huge and kiss when we had not seen for a bit; usually at His return after a trip. When I did everyday, it appears to me like a movie. So many times, even though I am very happy to have my hubby back home, I have other ways of welcoming him with love.

The boys need time with their Dad and so I usually give them space for that. Knowing that after their bed time it will be for my sweetheart and I alone.

I however have a habit of checking my heart, just to make sure that there is nothing else standing in the way. I still wanted my motives to be clear to me. So I decided to always  check my heart each time my hubby get home. And lo and behold I discovered that sometimes I was not as excited as the boys. At times mad at him for not getting home early enough, not remembering to pick up something from the store, not remembering to call the person he planned to…the list goes on. Other times I got frustrated due for a bad day and couldn’t wait for him to get back talk. Carried away with my issues sometimes, I forget to cheer him up. Thank God for those wonderful boys that God used to point to me to my heart.

God used my boys to point my attention to my heart. I asked God for help to continue to live with a light heart towards people close to me especially my best friend. And I thank God for  His help daily. Neither of us are perfect. I made up my mint to daily check & clear my heart. And forgive any wrong.

Of course my human nature still continues to struggle to lead but I remind myself that I died to Christ. So whether I welcome him home with a kiss or not, I do with a clean heart. I am sincerely happy with him and excited to have him as my best friend. Whenever I find some ugly thing in my heart, I work on it.  I deal with any wrong feeling as soon as I notice it, even before we get to discuss the issue. This helps me to joyfully towards my husband (whether home or not) and this has really helped our friendship. By God’s grace I am happy to say that our marriage is one in a million. Its a place where God dwells.

Today, I want to ask you ladies out there to ask God help as you determine in your heart to welcome your husband home with a lovely heart everyday. That whether you kiss him, hug him or quickly finish your chores as he walks in, you are doing so with a heart that truly respects and honors the man that God has given you as the head of your home and that you are sincerely grateful to God for this wonderful man.

Keep on enjoying Christ’s love.


Too Late To Fix?

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Every day I meet with couples that are struggling in their relationship. They understood each other a while back but along the line, things happen that they stop trying to cultivate their relationships. The same love birds that could not do without each other prior to marriage get to a point that they cant even stand each other. What happened, is this really the end of this relationship? Is it too late to put in efforts to this relationship.

I know that each case is different and it might be ambiguous to say that its not too late, also considering a relationship with two people that are God fearing, you would think that God being the center of each life would help each person to see their wrong but usually this is not the case.

Hence, I really love to look at this a bit more critically. Why do people give up on their marriage?

Familiarity

The first point here is what is known as closeness. Two people get so close to each other that they stop working hard at loving each other. They take things for granted. ” He knows I love him, I don’t need to do anything special to let him know”. This is one of the biggest killers in Christian marriages.

Two new lovers will work hard at proving their love to each other before they tie the knot and they would really bring out the best in each other. He wants her happy all the times and she does the same. Lots of pleasant surprises and gifts are in such relationships at the beginning which gradually diminishes as time goes on.

If your relationship is gradually sleeping into the state of coma, I want to ask you a question. Why is this so? Life got in the way? Children? work? Extended family? sickness, fear? So many things could have been responsible. You need to figure out what came into your marriage, that might equip you to deal with the issue.

Bitterness

Another problem in relationships is the past hurts. Many people are not able to look pass and forgive the other or themselves for whatever happened in the past. They say they have forgiven themselves but they act as if they have not. And so because of the hurt that is deep down, they are not able to see present actions with clear lens.

The best way to deal with this is to thing about your spouse or look at them. What emotions do you feel on the inside? Do you feel sad, mad, angry, sick, scared, pain, weak? Take stock of what you have on the inside and surrender that to God. Let God guide you into forgiveness and dealing with the root of bitterness.

Impossibilities

In other cases, the one partner is doing something that needs to change. The one spouse complains so bad that but there is no results or changes. They seek help together but no results. Many people go into marriage with an assurance of being able to change their spouse. They might not say it like that but they have that as the foundation of their relationship. Many even give themselves the conditions that upon changing him or her we will be able to get married.

Many of this cases have been there before the marriage. An example is one that drinks casually before marriage and then becomes an addict after. Usually he didn’t plan to be this way but he has had this issue before in his past and stress of life brought him back to the state of being a drunk.

Wrong Foundation

Many relationships started with lies as the foundation. For a family to prosper, there must be full truth, whether by behavior or by what is said. When there is the case of lies, trust must be built over again. The spouse on the receiving end must help his or her spouse to be able to speak their minds. The reason people lie is fear. ” If I tell the truth, they will never love me”

The list goes on why people choose not to make any further attempt to fix their marriage. Some times this will become a  temporary state of things and others more permanent in state. However, God is able to repair every broken pieces that you have. Your mess in God’s hands becomes a message that can turn many to you.

You can begin to trust in the Lord with all your life including your relationship. He will tell you what to do. Then begin to do them and trust God to transform lives including yours. First thing is that you will notice that Your heart is open to love your spouse again. As this happens, you begin to see him or her as the person you fell in love with. Or you will find this amazing love that melts your heart towards him/her.

I pray that your relationship will grow in the Lord. Keep looking out for ways to build each other up and how to help each other and not yourself.

God bless.

 

 


Just Pretend

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I was in the kitchen cooking and my amazing boys were running around pretending to be super heroes. My 5 yrs old leading and my 2 yr old doing every single thing his brother does or says.

They were both pretending to be the famous Buzz Light Year from the Toy Story Series. They passed by every now and then reciting Buzz’s favorite phrase; “Buzz Light Year, to the rescue!” Every now and then they got my attention and all I needed to do was to simply smile or acknowledge them somehow.

Then my 5yr old dashed into the kitchen and said the phrase again but this time he added, ‘is there any emergency?’ I was still trying to decide what to say when he added: ‘Just pretend’ then I knew I just needed to play along.

I quickly made up an emergency situation: “my cat is stuck on the tree”. Oh that no problem, He said, climbing the imaginary tree, my little Hero rescued the cat, gave her back to me and saved the day. And of course the 3 of us had a celebratory shout. And they dashed back into the hallway for more emergency situations.

After they left I could not get the phrase”just pretend” off my mind. And then I know I needed to write this article.

We all learn to pretend from very early ages and we get abundant opportunities to do it hence, we do it so well. In fact, millions of people make fortunes pretending. The film industry is a multimillion dollar industry today because we are amused by looking at someone that has mastered the act of pretending. I cannot count the number of time I have cried watching a movie. As long as the acting is good and I am able to feel the story, I cry. Sometimes when watching a good movie alone, with no distraction, I might even wail. This happened to me while watching the Courageous movie for the first time-good movie.

However, as we watch other people pretending we tend to do the same. We try to show only what we think others will find interesting and cover the rest which most times is our true self. Can you count how many times you have pretended not to be sad, angry, anxious or sick?

For instance there are things you might not fully understand about God, but you just pretend to be knowledgeable, you will get by and even others will hail you for it. So many jokes you don’t understand, but if you just pretend you do, in order not to look stupid in public.

You will save yourself a heart break if you don’t pretend to be enjoying real love from the guy you are hanging out with, pretending to others that he is crazy about you though He maltreats you. Don’t stay in a relationship to impress others. Are you impressed?

Don’t pretend to care about nature just to get her to love you. Be yourself and you will be glad that if she falls in love with the ‘boring you’ she will never fall out of love later on. Pretending requires more of your time and energy. You need some to plan what to do and then another to do. But if you are real, you simply need to naturally be. Don’t waste your life thinking about. Don’t alter your personality to suit another person.

You will be surprised that the people you are trying to please are not so concerned about you but themselves. So why waste your God given personality and become another? You can be real and you can be you.

Before each action, especially when dealing with people, ask yourself this question: Why am I doing this? And then try to find the answer. You might not find it easy at first but it will change over time. After many attempts it will become part of your subconscious to not do things just to get other people to acknowledge you.

Don’t pretend, be sincere. Be real with your spouse, children, friends and family….Be real with yourself.

 

 


10 Tips on building good friendships – Part 2

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Tips on friendshipIn part one of this post, I listed 5 tips on building good friendships. In this concluding part of the article I will list another 5 tips.

6) Learn to forgive – People are not perfect. They will always do something that you will not understand and that has the potential of hurting you. If you are afraid of being hurt or disappointed, you will not make many friends and as such you will be reducing your potential for finding a husband. If on the other hand you already know that the people around you are fallible just like you are and that many times they are not out to hurt you, then it becomes easier to forgive them when they do hurt you. If you meet someone today and they do something that you don’t like or you don’t understand, do not run away from the friendship. Try to find out why they did what they did, see if there is a way you can be of help to the other person. Look for an opportunity to let them know how you felt and if they apologize, try to understand and forgive. Many of the people that hurt us at first go on to become our very good friends and helpers in the future. Remember “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover”.

7) Think good thoughts about people – It is a good practice to always think good thoughts about the people around you. Believe that they have good intentions and that they have great potentials. Remember that God made them and allowed them to be around you right now. Believe that they have something to contribute to your life. Look for something to complement them for – when you do this, you take your focus off their weaknesses and you send them a positive vibe. I have noticed that people can always sense that you have a positive opinion of them and they tend to want to live up to that. if you practice this, you will soon discover that many people like you. Even if you are the shy type, still find something to complement about everyone you meet and say it to them if you have the opportunity. Even if a friendship does not develop, you would have contributed to boosting the confidence of someone.

8 ) Proceed with wisdom – It is true that most people have good intentions and great potentials, however it is also true that there are a few people who do not have good intentions and because of their past experiences have become so hurt that they continue to harm those around them. That is why for this tip I encourage you to be wise when developing friendships. Make sure you meet with any new person that you don’t know in a public place. No matter how much help they seem to need, find someone to accompany you if there is any possibility of danger. When you are getting the attention of a man and you feel that the relationship is moving to fast, be honest with them and slow things down – you should always be in control of your relationships. Try not to let yourself get carried away with the euphoria of “love”. I suggest that as soon as you meet a new person who continues to communicate with you over a couple of days that you share some information about it with someone close to you (a sibling, small group leader at church, family member or trusted room are some examples). When you share the information about the friendship, it helps you to get some perspective and to protect your heart and your self if need be. The Holy Spirit (inner knowing) is usually the best guide in every situation.

9) Speak the other person’s language – Try to speak in terms of the other person. As you learn to practice the tip of listening, you will discover that you will be able to say what you need to say in a way that the other person can understand you better. For example if I mention the word “trunk” it could mean 3 different things to different people depending on how they have been preconditioned. It could mean the trunk of a tree, the trunk of an elephant or the trunk of a car. With this in mind, you realize that to build good friendship you must improve your communication skills by learning to speak in the other persons frame of reference. In other words help them find what’s in it for them.

10) Don’t forget GOD – Remember that God is the creator of the universe. He own every person and knows them more than you do. Ask God to help you in all your relationships. A simple prayer for the other person for blessing can open your heart to the possibilities of what God wants you to do for them. As you allow God to lead you in your relationships and as you treat each person with great honour, the Lord will lead you to your husband even when you are not actively searching.

In conclusion, I encourage every woman reading this to focus more on being an excellent friend than on finding a husband. Practice these tips and enjoy the blessing of being a good friend to others and I can assure you that before long, there will be men who will be willing to do whatever it takes to have you as a wife. Remember that being nice and kind in your room will not bring you a husband. Go out there and be a blessing to someone that God has put on your path. If you are shy, do it one at a time. For those who are more out going they will do it many at a time. As long as you are consciously maximizing every connection that God sends your way every week you are on the path to finding your husband.

 


10 Tips on building good friendships – Part 1

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Good FriendshipFinding a husband is important, but I have realized that those who are not really working hard to find a husband are the ones who find one while those who are focused on it keep getting disappointed. In my own opinion, the key to solving this problem is learning how to be a good friend. In my last post, I talked about the importance of having a pool of good friends and how to begin to make this friends. In this article I outline a few tips on building good friendships. One book that has been of help to me with respect to this topic is Dale Carnegie’s book titled: How to Win Friends and Influence People. I recommend this book for anyone who wants to learn how to make friends.

1) You have something to offer – To be a good friend, you need to realize that because you were created by God, you always have something to offer to the world around you. Do not let any limitations that you have hold you back from making friends. Everyone needs love and the love of God in you is valuable to everyone. As you understand and believe that everyone around you needs the love of God in you, your boldness to reach out to the people around you will increase.

2) Think of the other person – I find that many people are so focused on what the other person thinks about them, what others are saying about them, what others have more than them. If you are so focused on what other people are thinking you will find yourself limited. Rather, you should focus on what the other person needs. Remember that they always need love. They always need someone that cares about them without any ulterior motives. A good friend is always willing to be of help to the other without expecting any compensations. If you start from today to give out unconditional love to people around you, you will discover that you will start having more friends and you will start to enjoy loving people without the extra burden of expecting gratitude or reward. Needless to say, some of these men will start to want to have this lady all the time.

3) Listen more than you talk – I know many ladies like to talk and many men like to talk too. To truth is that while you are talking you are not really learning anything new. The best that you may be doing is reorganizing  your thoughts and discovering your thoughts. It is true that there are people who think more clearly as they speak, they seem not to have a strong ability to process their thought properly in their minds. If you are such a person, this tip will be a little more difficult for you to practice. However, I will still encourage you to hold back the processing of your thoughts from time to time so that you can learn something new from others. Make it a habit to try to learn something new about someone or from someone every day. Listen to them talk about their hobbies, about their grandchildren, about their new car, about their religion, about their faith, family and any other interest. The more you listen, the more people begin to get interested in really listening to you. The more you listen, the easier for you to determine if they meet your 3 non-negotiable qualities of a potential husband. If they do not meet your non-negotiable qualities of a husband, then you know they can only be friends. I am not suggesting that you end your friendships or your attempt at being a blessing to others as soon as you know that they don’t meet your “criteria” for marriage. I am only saying that you may as well enjoy the friendship without burdening it with any further expectations.

4) Share some of your thoughts and feelings – I have a friend that I find a little bit difficult to connect with. Whenever I spend time with this particular friend, it feels very dry and mechanical. There is hardly any emotions involved. Don’t get me wrong – we share some jokes, we laugh, we ask the right questions but at the end, I really don’t feel any connection. And to tell the truth if I don’t have that meeting again I would not miss it very much. Over the years as our friendship has continued (i cannot say developed) I have always wondered what  was the reason for this dry and mechanical relationship? I am still baffled by my friends lack of connection but I have a little more understanding of it now. I think the main reason for the lack of emotion is that my friend does not really share his feelings about stuff. He says the right things but not necessarily the things that come from the heart. You will hardly hear my friend say something like, I am glad to have you as a friend. Or before now I felt really confused about your calls but now I am happy to know that you are well. It seems that my friend really never thinks about others when they are not there. Why are we still friends? Because over the years I have come to realize that my friend is capable of emotions, he is just not used to being friendly in the way we are used to.  If you are like my friend, start sharing a few thoughts and feelings with your friends. Start with the feelings that will not make you too vulnerable and gradually share some more as trust is built. When we don’t share some of our inner thoughts and feelings, the other person can easily sense our lack of trust and the friendship never really develops.

5) Be honest – To be honest does not mean that you say every thing that comes to your mind (this is a good way of destroying your frienship). What I mean by this tip is that you do not pretend to be someone other than yourself. If you hate wine, say so. If you love movies, say so. Don’t try to become what the other person likes. Rather discover who the other person is and present yourself to see if you are what they like. Be assured that there are thousands of people who like someone just like you. Be honest about your experience, your limitations, your strengths (you have some of these even if you don’t believe it), your expectations and everything that makes you who you are. You cannot buy love – So don’t try to make people like you. Keep trying to improve and trust that there are people who like you the way you are now and are willing to go with you on the journey towards change for the better.

This article is already long enough. I will present the other 5 tips in my next post. Try to practice some of these tips this week and leave me a comment or two. Please read the article titled; Be a good friend before thinking of finding a husband. I look forward to hearing testimonies and invitations to weddings.


Be a good friend before thinking of finding a husband

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Be a good FriendIf you have made your list of 3 non-negotiable qualities that your potential husband must have, and you have decided not to fall into the vicious cycle of dating, then you must begin to learn how to be a good friend. It is not healthy to go around looking for a husband in every man that you meet. Most men are not interested in being hunted down, in fact most men enjoy the thrill of chasing a woman, wooing her and winning her love and her hand in marriage. If you are interested in finding your husband, you should leave the “husband” angle alone for now and concentrate on being a good friend.

Many entreat the favor of the nobility, And every man is a friend to one who gives gifts. (Pro 19:6 NKJ)

Now lets talk about making friends. To be a good friend you need to first meet people who can be your friends. Here is where you have to be wise. You should not choose and pick those whom you would be friendly to. I suggest that you be kind and friendly to every person that God brings across your path. See each person as a messenger of God to bless you. Believe in your heart that since God created them, no matter how much they have perverted the original product, God still loves them and God may have something for you in them. Do not misunderstand me. I am not saying that you should “date” everyone. I am saying smile at everyone that God brings across your path. Listen to them if they need you to. Assist them in anyway that you may be required to. If the friendship develops beyond the first meeting then so be it. If it doesn’t then just be grateful. To be a good friend, you must have the interest of the other person at heart. People are always attracted to those who have their best interest at heart even if the resist at first.

Where do you meet friends? There are many places a lady can meet men such as, bus rides, libraries, church meetings, special programs of other churches, school, work, grocery stores, volunteer activities, parties, while walking your dog, neighbours etc. It does not matter where you meet the person, what you must have in mind is that if God brought them across your path, you should leave a blessing with them. So when next you go to a church meeting, take the time to meet someone new (male or female) and be a blessing to them. Ask them how they are, find out how you can make their visit to church better. Look out for ways that you can be a blessing to someone on the bus. When standing in line at the store, be open for conversation. Say hi and smile to the person ahead of you or behind you. Never mind whether they are male or female. Just be a nice person looking to make someones day by being nice. Smile and treat the cashier with respect and dignity. I advise that you try going to the same grocery store as often as you can, go regularly to the same coffee shop so that you can begin to make some connections with those working there. The more you do this the more you increase your pool of potential friends. Once you start connecting with one or two more people (male) on a regular basis, your confidence will increase and you can have more friends. In many cases, your husband would most likely come from your pool of friends. Your church family is usually the best place to find a husband since you would be spending time regularly with the members and can get to know them without dating.

I find that many sisters go to church but are not involved in many of the church activities and as such they really do not make any friends at church. Others have a delusion that friends are friends and lovers are lovers. They do not know how to see a christian brother who is a friend as being a potential husband. If you really want to find a husband, I encourage you to be involved in the weekly activities at church, and consciously make friends. Take time to pray for the people that you are beginning to talk to after the service and try to find ways to bless them (I am not saying that you should pray for them to become your husband). Pray for them to grow in their walk with God and any other blessings that come to mind. As you genuinely go out of your way to be a blessing, the Lord will give you the desires of your heart. Give the gift of kindness to as many people as you can.

Action – Try to meet someone new at church this Sunday. When I say new I mean someone you may not have spoken to for more than one or two sentences. Find out their name and ask them how they enjoyed the sermon. Try to see if you can make them feel important and valuable by listen to them and being kind. And if you see them again during the week, continue the discussion from when you stopped.

In my next post I will talk more about friendship. I pray that you will find your husband soon. I would love to read your comments or questions.


Questions To Ask Each Other Before Marriage

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Its midnight here now and I cant put these thought off my mind. This would help anyone in a premarital relationship.

Now that you found someone you like, you have the butterfly thing going, now what? People say its good to get to know each other before you start planning a wedding but how?

The following  questions would guide your conversations. This is not meant to be done all-at-once and definitely not like an interview. But if you know the answer to most of these question you can say that you know the person to a large extent.

Your personal faith

  • Do you believe in God?
  • What kind of relationship do you have with God
  • Would you want me to help you understand God better? How?
  • What do you think God’s plan for your life is and how would I come in?
  • Are you committed to any religious organisation

Your background

  • How present was your boilogical father while you were growin up?
  • What kind of relationship did/ do you have with your bilogical Mom
  • Are there other persons (man/woman) that play these crucial roles in your life
  • How many siblings do you have, where are they and what do they do.
  • Do you have any important extended family member that is very important to you, why?
  • How did you grow up, did you have sleep overs, vacations, home school, field trips, camps…
  • Was God a part of your  family while your were growing up

Education

  • What was your favourite high school subject and why
  • Are you done with formal education or not
  • What other educational process would you want to take on.

Career

  • Is the job you have now your desired job
  • if you had all the money you need to pay your bills for the next 3 yrs what would you be doing?
  • Are you a career oriented person
  • Do you think you will work till age 65
  • What brings meaning to your life?
  • How do you find the people you work with

Sexual

  • What do you know about sex
  • Would you love abstinence before marriage
  • How do you think we can achieve that
  • Have you ever hurt someone’s feelings  emotionally
  • Did you settle the issue with them
  • Do you have children from past relationships, how often do you see your child

Financial

  • Do you have any major debt
  • How much do you make annually
  • Do you give to any charitable organization
  • What’s your ideal income level? Huge and enough to live a normal life

Some Final Extra Questions

  • How long do you think you will stay longer in the city you live in
  • Do you like travelling
  • Would you love to go on a mission trip, where

I will love to stop here to rest my eyes for the day. I will try to add to the list later.

 

 

 


Living Arrangements

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By the power vested on me,  I now pronounce you man and wife…. “lots of excitements in the air… but will she be moving over to my place after this or what? I guess this is not the right time to discuss this with her”. These were thoughts in a grooms mind as he walked his bride off the isle. He is right, this is not the right time.  Many people go into marriage with many issues unresolved.

Many couples avoid major discussion in order to maintain the peace but there are some issues that are better ironed out prior to the wedding. It will be fair for your spouse to know for example that you dont intend to leave your current city because of your job.  The foundation of a marriage as in a building is very crucial, it determine the strength and durability of the structure that goes on top.

No couple is perfect in their communication with each other at least not at the beginning, you have to start somewhere. You can leave major issues till you feel you know each other better. Your knowledge of each other is bound to increase with your level of communication. Many of the problems in the marriage, if addressed prior to the wedding, could have reduced the tension on the marriage.

Each individual has their view points about issues based on their personalities, trainings and experiences. And many get married without taking time to understand their partners views about peculiar issues like what will our living arrangement be after the wedding. “Lets just get married and we will get to know each other as we go”. There is a huge danger here hence many marriages suffer in the first few years, others dont even survive.

Some individuals love change, but some find it hard to change even a small routine they are used to.  A good job, a nice church family, extended family and many more are reasons why someone might find it hard to want to move to where the spouse leaves.

Many couples spend hours planning the details of their wedding day but little or no time planning goes to the life after. How would our lives be after we get married, where will we settle down, how long would we both keep our present jobs after marriage, when do we start having children, how many children would we love to have and many more questions stay in the air unanswered.

Its normal to be attached to your career especially if you are passionate about what you do and it took you so long to get to this level. The best way to work together is to open mindedly ask your self this question: How can we blend our lives together the best possible way. List some options you have. And discuss the advantages and disadvantages of each option. Then choose one together after much deliberation and considerations.  This process will help you see your partners views about the issue. For minor issues this can be done over lunch and for major ones take your time and pray about it together as well.  There is safety in planning.

Are you planning to get married soon? We are glad you are reading this. Have you both taken time to discuss what you would love after the wedding and find ways to blend your plan together? Fear is the driving force in many relationships -fear of the unknown.  You need to protect this gift of love that you have both being given by not allowing what you do to be affected by fear. Fear has destroyed many homes and you will do your self good by learning to deal with fear from this early stage.  Being scared of sharing your mind will give him a wrong impression of you. After a while you will be tired of hiding your own opinion and then he will have to choose whether he likes you really or not. Many marriages are stressed today because of some undisclosed opinions.

In order to have a lovely family and safe haven to train wonderful children I want to say that its important to take time to share your minds with each other whether you are married or soon to be. You need to grow in your communication with each other.

It might make sense to live apart for a few more months depending on the possibilities on new jobs or issues concerning the immigration status of each parties. When two people come together in marriage God says they become one. Apart from the physical oneness of consummation, there is the part of them becoming one in unity. This does not happen in a day. They need to consciously work towards becoming one.

Each spouse grew up independent of the other and usually has mastered ways of living that suit him or her. Then someone else comes along that leave dirty dishes on the table, dirty socks on the floor, books on the sofa… Because of these differences couples find it easier to live apart from each other on a regular basis. She prefers that he stays away 4-6months in a year in order to avoid having to explain her every move.

The way God planned marriage is that the man and his wife would be one in every sense of it. Helping each other be the best that God made them for. Sometimes it will mean letting go of some standards, freedom, culture, ideas… in order to accommodate your spouse. Spouses need to share their plans and purpose with each other in details (as much as you know). Then consider ways that you could help your spouse achieve his or her purpose, this way you will be merging your goals together.  Let your communication be effective. Be open minded in every discussion. Listen with the aim of understanding your spouses point of view not with the aim of letting him understand yours. If each person can see communication like this, many couple will understand each other better and the rate of stress in marriages will reduce drastically.

If for some reason there comes a time in your marriage when you have to be apart for a while. You should enjoy the time alone and cultivate a vibrant long distance relationship with your spouse to the point where you cant wait to see each other. Let your long distance relationship be rich in affection, respect and communication. The man is the head of the home, in order words he is the one God holds responsible for the success of every part of the marriage. The wife should keep the space of the head for the man and ultimately God’s place must be obvious in your marriage.  If God is the head of your life, He will be the head of your marriage and yours will be heaven on earth.

Are you married? Do you live in different cities from your spouse? Or are you often away from each other due to career modalities? Are your work schedule so opposite like he works in the day and you work at nights? Is this God’s plan for you? Is there a way to improve your marriage even in this state? Allow God to show you how to grow in unity as a couple discuss the issues that come up with open minds.

The kind of relationship that you have will determine the way your children will see marriage.

God bless you.

 


5 reasons why sex before marriage is dangerous

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This question came up again recently. Here are some thoughts I presented a fews years back. I believe that the points presented in this blog are are still relevant.

Many people have asked me why sex before marriage is such a big problem? They say something like this: “If two people love each other, why should they wait until they are married before having sex?”. The question looks reasonable at first, however when you think about it, you realize that what is happening to us today, is that people are generally not willing to pay for what they want. People want to be rich without working, they want to be famous without hard work, they want to get everything free. However, the truth is that Nothing is Free. The fact that you did not pay for it does not mean that it was not paid for. You may get it free, but someone paid the price. Now what I think people are asking is this. Why do I have to be committed to a relationship before I get all the benefits of commitment? When you look at it like that, you see why sex before marriage is dangerous. It’s like selling your house with the hope that you will sign the contracts at a later date. Here are 5 reasons why this is a dangerous idea. I believe that everything that God calls a sin is called a sin because it is destructive to us and to the general well-being of the created universe. So in this article I am presenting the reasons why sex before marriage is dangerous and hence sinful.

  1. It is not the will of God for us: There is no explicit statement in the Bible that you must not have sex before you get married. However there are several scriptures that draw our attention to the fact that it is not the will of God. Read Exodus 22:16 -17; Deut 22:13 – 21; 1 Cor. 6:16-18; 1Cor. 7:1-2, 8-9;Heb 13:4; 1 Tim 5:2. The ideal that God has in mind for us is to be virgins before we get married. In fact when you read the Bible, you will get a sense that sexual intercourse is like the seal or the final stage in the process of getting married. So to have sex with someone that you are not married to is going outside the will of God for your life. It is sexual immorality and it is a sin.
  2. It can easily become the reason for your relationship: Sex, was not created to be worshiped. It is not the goal of any relationship. The relationship itself is far more important than the sex. God’s glory is supposed to be the reason and foundation of any relationship. However, when 2 people meet and all they can think about is when they can get into bed, there is a problem with that relationship. You will notice that, everything is such a relationship will be designed to make eventually lead up to sex. This kind of relationship is what I call an inverted relationship doomed for failure. When you are in this relationship you say what you need to say, and do what you need to do so that you can progress along the path towards sexual intimacy. Eventually, issues that need to be addressed are not addressed and the relationship breaks down.
  3. It leads to Adultery or sexual infidelity: Sex is supposed to be the most intimate activity that any two individuals can engage in. It is supposed to be reserved for that one person with whom one intends to spend the rest of their lives. The rebellious nature of humanity and the constant desire of the forces of darkness to frustrate us and cause us pain has deceived us to make this sacred activity into a frivolous activity. When sex is taken for granted like this, you discover that even when people are committed to one another, they go ahead to cheat on their spouses. Many homes are broken and children are suffering because of unfaithful husbands and wives.  Many relationships end as soon as the couple have sex for a couple times, because one of them is bored and wants to try other people. This is such a sad situation. It is sad because many of the young people today were brought up in home where sexual immorality has destroyed the homes and they are prone to making the same mistakes.
  4. It delays the benefits of total surrender and commitment to one’s spouse: When a couple has been sexually active during their relationship before getting married, they are usually not so keen on getting married. They keep postponing and procrastinating, because they are not able to think clearly anymore, or they have begun to see things that they don’t like but are afraid to be honest with each other. Nobody wants to be called a player. Or blamed for leaving a relationship soon after sex entered into the picture. So the spouse that is open to more commitment suffers for a while hoping that the relationship will work, while the one who wants to leave the relationship enjoys free sex and even gets paid to have free sex, because the partner that want the relationship to work will be working hard to impress the other partner. Why not just do things the right way. Make sure that both parties are committed, spend time together, meet with friends and if things are still going very well for at least one year of serious commitment, then go ahead get married and seal it with sex on the wedding night. As I wrote earlier, sex is simply a very intimate way of communicating. You need to have something to say before you communicate. Sex says – “I love you with all my heart, I am happy I am one with you, let me be in you and you in me forever”. Now I think this kind of communication is only appropriate between a husband and a wife.
  5. It reduces the level of trust between the couple: It is a blessing for a couple to discover that both of them are virgins on their wedding night. It was the norm a couples of centuries back, but now it a such a rare thing. I wish we can have more of this, because I believe it would be a blessing to this world if people learn to follow the will of God for their lives in this regard and in all regards. When you know that your spouse was a virgin until marriage and that you were unable to convince each other to try it out before the wedding, it helps both of you to trust each other. I do not intend to say that people who are virgin on their wedding day do not cheat on their spouses, I am simply saying that it boosts your trust in each other as opposed to having sex before the marriage.

There are many other points that can be derived from these initial points, and I encourage you to think about them. If you have been involved in pre-marital sex, are you still with the man you had sex with? If you have chosen to live your life to glorify God, why not go all the way and enjoy the blessings that God has prepared for you within a Christian Marriage. No one can force you to wait until your wedding day. And so also no one can give you the joy and blessings that are lost when you choose to follow your own ideas rather than God’s Ideal. Even if you are not a virgin, you can still enjoy the blessings of God. Our God is merciful, he forgives because of the blood of Jesus. Simply ask for God’s forgiveness and choose not to continue in your folly. You will soon start to enjoy the respect and love that you deserve as a child of God. I have never met anyone that said that the regretted waiting until marriage to have sex. There are many people who wish they have waited because they have been with so many people and have been sexually active only for the relationship to break.

It may not be easy but God can help you: I have heard many men say that there are no virgins above the age of 18yrs. That is not true; there are very many people who are virgins (never had sexual intercourse) and many who are not virgins but since they received forgiveness of sins through Christ Jesus, they have remained sexually inactive (virgins in Christ). It is not by self effort that you will do it especially if you have been sexually active before now, it is simply by trusting in the grace and power of God to do it in you. Do not be worried, just believe in God. I will love to answer your questions, please let us know them or simply leave us a comment.